Self-consciousness is such an interesting term. Or at least, it’s been made into one.

I mean, isn’t being, “critically aware of,” “noticing with a degree of controlled thought or observation,” & clearly “perceiving” one’s own mind, will, actions, & intentions…kind of a good thing? Yet, I’ve rarely, if ever, seen this term used in any way that didn’t allude to it being a problem that needed fixing. A personal failure or fault. A place where “improvement” was expected. As if, somehow, being conscious of ourselves only occurs in areas where we haven’t become experts. Or better yet, that being an “expert” somehow means we shouldn’t still be aware of ourselves.

What if our insecurities weren’t inherently “bad?” What if they were merely sources of information? I imagine, then, that being self-conscious would be valuable, wouldn’t it? Is that possible…or am I just trippin’? Listen, I can tell you right now…I’m one of the most self-conscious people I’ve ever known. When I feel like something is important, I’m always hyper-aware of what I’m doing and how people are perceiving and responding to it. I don’t care what any self-help guru has told you, those perceptions and responses matter. They CAN have tangible impacts on our lives—consequences & rewards. Even if they don’t, they can have tangible impacts on the lives of others. So yeah. They matter. Thinking about them is not a waste of time.

I’ve been practicing the performing arts my entire “conscious” life. I’m sure there are videos of me center-stage in a recital at 4 years old, reading opening lines of a play at age 5, & singing solos at age 7. But dance has always been my favorite. I started really young with ballet, tap, & jazz. Over the years, I have done a touch of everything that has interested me—from swing to liturgical dancing—with the exception of Bhangra (in spite of the relentless invitations of a college dorm-mate). I kept dancing through middle school, took a break in high school, then started back up in college & didn’t stop until I was in my mid-twenties. I can still remember my mom picking me up from schools, me changing into my tights & leotard (or jazz pants) in the backseat while she was driving, & literally running into the studio like a mad woman so I wouldn’t be late for rehearsal. I have this one vivid memory of pushing my way through a sea of moms crowding the small entryway, aggressively trying to get to class because being there mattered to me. I was 3 years old.

Throughout the course of my life I’ve “literally run” into countless dance rehearsals. But for some reason I’m not quite sure of, that first room still sticks with me most. Three (3) of the four (4) walls were full-length mirrors. One side even had a section of one-way glass. So parents could see us, but we couldn’t see them. There were a couple of different ballet bars around the room, and I’m pretty sure there were only 3 of us in this particular class. Considering the fact that we weren’t even 5 years old yet, I’m not exactly surprised by that. But to this day, those are the rooms I feel the most relieved in. Rooms where I can see myself move from every angle. Rooms where uncertainty ceases and honesty flows freely—with no effort at all. Where there’s no need to guess & no illusions to dispel, because the truth is literally all around you.

In a leadership meeting about a decade ago, my apostle once said to us, “you can reveal yourself, or you can be exposed.” This wasn’t a reprimand because any of us had done anything wrong (I don’t think so anyway), but a warning to us as leaders. Becoming a teacher offers your life up for inspection. If you are leading people anywhere, your integrity ought to be tested. That’s when I began living, “above reproach.***” And for me, I think studios with mirrors on every side feel like spaces of abundant revelation.

It’s possible I might feel differently if there weren’t always ballet bars in these rehearsal studios. They’re strong and -can- hold you up, but their purpose isn’t for a dancer to place any actual pressure on them. So I imagine their comfort comes mostly from the ability to more clearly see the strength and position of lines and angles. Of course, they definitely help with the whole “not falling over” thing when figuring out how to properly distribute & hold your weight through movements. Regardless, these rooms of glass have no place to hide. And the moment I enter them, my body relaxes. Yet, I cannot imagine a place where anyone would be more forcibly self-conscious. You, and everyone nearby, can see everything.

The primary difference, for me at least, is that these are rooms where it’s actually “okay” to be self-conscious. Where it is expected.

I think self-consciousness gets a bad reputation. The idea that “confident” is the standard feels as absurd as, “giving 100%, 100% percent of the time.” Utter foolishness. Sounds like a recipe for psychosis to me.

I will -always- be self-conscious when I sing, dance, or speak in public spaces. I will -always- be self-conscious when I’m teaching or coaching or preaching. I will -always- be self-conscious when supporting people or offering counsel. I will -always- be self-conscious with what and how I communicate. I will -always- be self-conscious when meeting new people. This morning, I woke up realizing that none of those truths are “problems” I want to “fix.” Why? Because it’s a reflection of the fact that I care about essentially everything I do…a LOT. In the few areas where I don’t, I’d rather be napping anyway. And in a society where only deception, conquest, & isolation are nurtured…the questions, “did they understand me?” and “do they still want to be around me?” and “did something I said hurt them?" and “do they think less of me?” and “will they come back?” and “am I being honest?” only feel dirty because we’re instructed to keep them a secret.

In my opinion, running through my actions and conversations after they are over is no different than watching game-tape after a Friday night football game. What if it’s okay to believe we didn’t do well—or could have done something better? What if it’s okay to not want to be the punchline of someone’s joke? What if it’s okay to be scared of rejection? What if it’s okay to be unsure? What if it’s okay to care about what comes to people’s minds when they think of you? What if it’s okay to want to be wanted? What if it’s okay to desire to be understood? What if, in a world full of hubris & delusion, being “intensely aware of oneself” isn’t actually a sin, but a virtue?

Could it be…that being, being mindful of ourselves as “an object of the observation of others” is not a problem, but an indication of care? A sign that our connection to another person, place, or thing has meaning for us—one way or another? Something we respect and honor rather than hide & hold with shame? And that maybe, the only thing unacceptable about “self-consciousness” is that it is not accepted?

Imagine what love could look like if we were able to tell the truth about our fears & worries? Yes, it would probably make it easier for people to gaslight & scare us…but it would also exponentially increase the ability for those who don’t seek to do us harm, to help us see ourselves with the most clarity. I dare to say, it would help others love us in a way that we can actually feel. Well…that is, if love is more about fueling truth than feeling good.

As a leader throughout many communities, over many years, I’ve witnessed a lot of relationships implode. I’ve come to believe that sometimes…that’s actually okay. The regular connection of people in love doesn’t have to last forever to be nourishing and meaningful and true. In my case, it can actually become nourishing, meaningful, & true in different ways. As one of my best friends over the last decade reminded me earlier this week, I would still drop everything tomorrow to show up for the few people in this life who have completely shattered my heart, if they needed me. Not in an attempt to replace what was, but because of what will always remain—“what bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening]”—and that is love**.

It's my ability to see where they are/were self-conscious that has made that a real possibility over the years. It’s in those areas that truth*, when applied, can set us free. Regardless of whether that means being able to see where we’ve hurt someone, or seeing where we’ve been hurt. It’s also the case when all of our self-conscious assessments are correct! Affirming someone’s reality is grounding, even when it means they’ve failed or won’t get their desires fulfilled. We all have areas of our lives where our reality could use a bit of grounding—our self-consciousness tells us where that need is a bit greater than others.

I don’t know…maybe I’m just a fool. But I believe self-consciousness has value. That could be because I’m so self-conscious. If so, I’m okay with that too. I am able to communicate with the people in my life where I need the most honest feedback—even if I don’t necessarily want to hear it. When done with care & tenderness, critique can be one of the greatest forms of love—even when it’s scary or painful. If we are willing to -accept- our self-consciousness as a place where perspective is most important to us, rather than a place we need to stop looking at so hard, a lot of us “over-thinkers” might be relived to find that we are in very good company.

The sharing of our painfully self-conscious places is an invitation to be seen, felt, & supported where we desire it the most. It’s like inviting someone into the studio with us. Those locations matter because the mirrors in those studios are hardest to see clearly ourselves. For whatever reason, those mirrors are cracked or smudged or smoky or warped. It’s possible that will always be the case, and trying to swap out the old mirrors for new ones might actually cause us to lose something valuable in the process (forced obsolescence is rampant in this stage of global capitalism). So if we find ourselves in places where those studio invitations are rejected, it is likely time to find a new company to dance with anyway. How else would we have known? Can you imagine how long would that have taken!?

Self-consciousness is developed. Through a process. For a reason. Fun fact: our minds don’t hate us. They care for us and protect us. It’s our choice if we are going to hate them in return. It’s up to us whether we accept their gifts or not. Self-consciousness is one of many it gives freely. Ultimately, no matter how many studios we can access, or how vivid their mirrors, we are the ones who decide to show up for rehearsal or not.

As for me, though…dance remains my truest love.

***1 Timothy 3; self-controlled, sensible, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, etc
**1 Corinthians 13; profound thoughtfulness and unselfish concern for other believers regardless of their circumstances or station in life.
*John 8:32; truth-[regarding liberation from ignorance or illusion], free-[from the penalty of working against God’s desires for our wholeness]