A couple years back, I became really focused on the power of rest. Physically, spiritually, & politically. But one of the first things that came up any time I tried to talk to anyone about it was a question that seems to have no universal answer, “What IS rest to you?” Since my therapist suggested I take the time to do some writing this week, this seems like the perfect time to work through the swirling thoughts on (digital) paper.

Currently I’m on a sabbatical to take a break from responsibilities and decisions (because that’s what I think rest is to me). Someone else has been managing my phone calls & texts; scheduling things for me; & running quick errands on my behalf. But oddly enough, asking someone to cook for me activated my adrenal system yesterday. That seemed so strange to me since, in my typical life, there are people cooking for me regularly.

So I thought, “let’s take a look at the things that activate energy in my chest.” Now sending messages for people to do quick things for me like scheduling, picking up items, and sending emails to further along the things on my agenda seems to be light. I would even say it’s something I’ve reached for. But when I was asked for my opinion on someone’s career decision, everything inside me darted into a frenzy. And I don’t even remember the last time I felt as awkward or stressed as when I asked for help making breakfast this morning.

Now, if I’m honest I can admit that sending messages asking for things to get done is work. And it’s work that I also need a break from. But it’s almost like being asked to “make the call/decision,” is so triggering that even giving advice or my opinion feels like too much to bear. And just making a request that someone do something they didn’t explicitly commit to doing beforehand agitates my entire body. It’s been over 30 minutes and I’m still unsettled.

Since this is just what’s going on in my body, I’ll call it true and valid…because it is true and has already taken place. But why did it happen in the first place?

I think I can trace it back to when my multiple traumas of abandonment & abuse met the navigation of ask/guess cultures via sudden community crisis management. Back when opening emails started giving me panic attacks. When a zoom call left me unable to speak or stand for an hour. When unnamed people rescinded funds because they found out I was involved with a community recovery effort. How many times can I be assigned the titles abusive, complicit, manipulative, or insufficient before I’d rather die than live? Because I sure as hell don’t want to be “resilient” anymore. Maybe my suicidal ideations over the last 2 years makes more sense than I thought. 2021 and 2022 were so full of traumas & triggers that just thinking about it makes me want to dissociate. I’ve never publicly spoken about what that time was actually like for me and I don’t think I’m going to do it here right now. But I honestly don’t know how I survived.

Maybe I didn’t.

That could be why I’m sitting here in a house in the middle of nowhere, on day 4 of a hospital diversion respite, and just now really thinking about any of this. Sitting here silently feeling hollow inside. I’m reminded of the days when my feelings operated like an extension cord—when they’d get so big and fierce that they’d trip the emotional circuit inside my chest and all the power would go out. In fact, I think that’s what just happened.

Oh.

Where was I?

That’s right—rest. Rest looks different for each of us, but how do we know what it looks and feels like to us? What is my working definition of rest? And do the things that fit that definition actually leave me feeling whatever my definition of “rested” is? According to google via the Cambridge English Dictionary, it involves some sort of “getting back your strength,” in exchange for no longer doing something. According to Psalm 127:2, where it’s determined to be unnecessary to work all the time, it is essentially defined as “sleep.” Although, I’m particularly fond of Merriam-Webster’s 4th & 6th definitions which are, “peace of mind or spirit,” and “something used for support,” respectively.

For me, there are so many things I could call “rest” if given no guidance so I find it more helpful for me to classify what isn’t rest. If I were to use those definitions as a grounding guide, I’d say it’s not rest if it:

• Doesn’t replenish your strength

• Challenges your peace of mind

• Unsettles your spirit

• Keeps you alert or active

• Speeds up your brain waves

• Weighs you down

• Can’t hold your weight (too temperamental or weak)

Now I came to this respite space with a few objectives: 1) to return to my body (and to myself); 2) to grieve the loss of my most recently deconstructed friendship; & 3) to rest (whatever that meant). But it seems, upon review, that these 3 things might be at odds with each other. Or at least, that the facilitation of the three is anything but linear.

Maybe that’s why sending messages delegating things doesn’t seem un-restful…because it helps slow down the brain waves that are creating to-do lists and problem-solving by outsourcing. While it’s not resting, it’s almost like it’s the precursor to resting. Like something I need to happen in order FOR me to rest. I guess that makes sense. But where is the line? Are there even lines? At some point it might just be a decision. You can’t delegate a responsibility to refuse to accept, right? You can’t pass on a weight you never held. Idk…that kind of feels reckless though; a bit removed from reality. And I don’t think that’s okay. I’m not sure I would call escapism rest since what is not real can’t hold your real weight. Then if it weighs you down after the fact, I’d say that it couldn’t be called “restful” in the first place.

As much as I would love to say I’ve received some incredible epiphany and suddenly have the perfect formula for rest…I don't. Sorry, I’m still looking too. Still trying to decipher what it looks or feels like, what it sounds like, where to get it, and how to incorporate it into my daily life. But at this moment, I, at least, have a few takeaways: 1) My experience with rest is not quite as conscious as I had hoped; 2) Rest isn’t linear; & 3) It is very possible to effectively avoid rest by trying to figure out what rest is.

So I think for now, I’ll just take the starting point of: “What can hold your weight and replenish your strength?”

If nothing else, when I read it like that, one answer feels pretty obvious:

“It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved ones.” -Psalm 127:2

And prayerfully, if you’ve picked well and been granted the gift of commitment, another answer might also be, “Community.”