Speak Life

Words matter.

The way we arrange and inflect them matters.

Who, when, how, and why we share them with matters.

Because the moment we give them our breath they have power.

It goes so far beyond "political correctness," "mindfulness," and "the law of attraction." Each human being can affect and be affected by the influence of words. They not only shape our perspectives and emotions, but our thoughts themselves and how we decide to act on them.

Especially the big ones: change, acceptance, can't, relationship, love.

What these words mean to us, and how we choose to use them accordingly impacts our entire reality.

Recently, I realized that the way I had been choosing to use words, at some point between when I began writing this on January 24th and when I published it on March 19th, stopped reflecting the responsibility that I know them to hold.

I'd used them for my own devices and vindication. I used them to express frustration, up to the point of "getting even," under the guise of "balancing the scales."

I've used acceptance when I really meant weakness. I've used change when I really meant move. I've used can't when I really meant won't. I've used relationship when I really meant usefulness. I've used love when I really meant comfort.

But, as I said in a recent email regarding a precarious situation regarding law enforcement, "lack of clarity & understanding of purpose often makes just enough room to pave the way for further standards of harm."

And when we use words like love and acceptance when they aren't actually what we mean, then we're not using synonyms--we're using powerful words of healing to cause harm, and diluting their innate power for positive, transformative impact.

So consider, when you speak to those you know and love (or "hate" for that matter), as well as those with whom you may only ever hold one conversation with--that your words have the power to do things far beyond your expectations (or limitations). So when you do open your mouth (or keep it closed)--choose wisely. You never know what could be accomplished as the result of your choice to (or not to) speak life.

With (full, care-taking, covering, supporting, accountability-holding, sacrificial) Love,

K. Marie <3

A Reactionary Tale

A few years back, Facebook did something to expand on the previously all-encompassing “like” button—they added something called “reactions.” This came to users in the form of additional emoji-esque options that could be selected once you hovered over the like feature—love, haha, wow, sad, & angry. While the inconsistencies of those naming conventions does cause a bit of a flinch in this administrative mind, I can’t help but find it interesting how well the full range of human emotion can be encapsulated in those 6 images (although my own personal set doesn’t quite feel complete without an eye roll or side-eye reaction).

We spend so much of our time offering reactions—even to the point of reacting to someone else’s lack of a reaction. Now this isn’t a new phenomenon in human history. It certainly existed pre-facebook. One would imagine it goes back to the pre-historic era, the time where pretty much all humans did was react—to our unexplained shifting environment, to animals, to each other.

And yet in the year 2017 AD, we still spend so relatively little time learning to manage them.

To be clear, in this context, I’m not referring to Newton’s 3rd Law of Motion. More like I step on your brand new cream-colored Yeezy’s and you start swearing at me like a sailor her first day with skurvy. Taking a look at many of our families, businesses, social circles, customer service interactions, and even our charity work will often all tell the same story. We don’t like to initiate—but we love to react.

Don’t believe me? Consider the question, “Where do you want to eat?” How many memes or comic routines include a bit involving Person A asking Person B for direction, being told “I don’t care, you choose,” then having to essentially list all 26 food choices in a 10 mile radius while having each of them denied one by one? Coming up with the ideas is boring, but shooting them down is almost a sport!

Now this, in itself, is certainly not the end of the world as we know it, albeit a bit exasperating for Person A. But if this is what we do for the simple things, what happens when the stakes are raised even a little bit? How much love is never shared because no one wants to be the first to say, “Will you be mine?”

Imagine if people reacted to the implementation of racism as they do being called racist.

Oh what a day that would be.

Don’t wait for an invitation. Step up. Step in. And get to work.

People & Pain

"I'm not going to be light-skinned anymore."

Probably the last words I expected to hear walking down the halls of a middle school in rural Milton, Vermont. And yet--they managed to be some of the first yesterday morning.

In a place where the minority population equates to about 5 non-white children per grade (there's been a lot of growth over the last 8 years), the light-skinned/dark-skinned fight is not something I anticipated finding traces of. But here they are, sticky and not exactly sweet. It would be easy for me to make this about race, but that's not what's nagging at the nape of my neck today. The simple fact is: Where there are teenagers, there will be the pain of self-disdain--accompanied by obscenely unnecessary amounts of poorly-blended makeup & Axe body spray. But what bothers me today is that so many of those teenage girls & boys become 50 year old men &women who can't seem to stop apologizing for and attempting to blot out who they are. At what point do we finally realize that we don't have to atone for being human? That having flaws, feelings, & fears is not only acceptable, but a huge part of what makes our lives and experiences unique.

In today's society, it's a challenge not to buy into the popular notion that we must be the definition of "flawless." So no scars. No tears. No weakness allowed. But where does that get us?

This just in:

Failing at an endeavor does not make you a failure.

Perfection and perfectly you are not the same thing.

Emotions serve a purpose.

No one has the qualifications or authority to appraise your life besides you.

So many times in our lives we perpetuate the false truth that falling short of perfection is a reason to be coated in shame. But no matter how many times I hear it--even from my own lips, I refuse to believe it. If for no other reason than the fact that it's just not true. I mean yes, it's a conscious choice--to not agree with the affirmations. And it's one I have to make. Because coating something in shame is like coating it in silver. It draws all the attention from the item itself to its shiny coating, but stops allowing it to move forward. It freezes it in time so it can no longer grow or develop. And then it rusts.

Now I don't know about you, but I have no desire to be a rusty, underdeveloped thing people look at as a discussion piece, but remain unable to engage.

I'm a person, and as much as I come with creativity, beauty, & joy, I also come with pain.

Every Single Day

People are dying.

In streets.

In schools.

In hospitals.

In churches.

In coffee shops.

In airplanes.

In mosques.

In government buildings.

In buses.

In department stores.

In boats.

In movie theaters.

In cars.

In homes.

Think about the last argument you had. Picture the person you disagreed with in an open casket. Now was it worth it?

Life is too short to be petty.

Life is too short for anything but forgiveness, care, & love.

When the Day Comes…

I mean, at the end of the day–for me at least, it’s the most sacred moment of my life. There is no vow I will ever make that is more important, no matter where life takes me (us).

For those that want to help celebrate, I say just have a huge cookout afterwards. But for the ceremony itself, who needs all that fanfare?

The only people I want in the room are those who are touching and agreeing for the fruitfulness of our union–the people who have been and will be continually praying for us. Let everybody come to the celebration, but keep only the covenant relationships at the consecration.

And it’s not about omitting people or slighting anyone, but about making that vow with its intended weight. Because on that day, it’s not about a promise we’re making to ourselves or our families–that’s called engagement.

In that moment, it’s about a promise we’re making to God–and those should never be taken lightly.

Charleston, SC

I’ve been struggling all day to find any words to adequately express how I’m feeling.

Grieved doesn’t seem heavy enough, but I can’t think of a word that describes this torment my heart is enduring any better.

I am not in so much pain today because these victims were black, nor because they were Christians.

I am in mourning today because there were ten human beings whose humanity was ripped away from them at the hand of the senseless hate that was allowed to quietly take hold of a young man in a society that gave him the gift of freedom of belief without the responsibility of morality.

Because of an age that taught him to do and be what he wanted fearlessly with no concern for the consequences. Because of the generation that gave him the courage to take a stand without the requirement of socially accountable intentions.

We’ve done a flawless job of teaching the ideology of independent freedoms & self-sufficiency, but failed at teaching to love one another in unity. A soul so passionately consumed with hate is already dead. There are ten souls today I grieve for, because my Savior taught me that all lives do matter–regardless of my judgement of their worthiness.

We’re in this together, and the cycle of hate-inspired hate must end today.

What’s Really Lacking?

There’s this idea in modern-day “black” churches that what’s killing ministries is “familiarity” of leaders with those they are leading.

Another idea?

What’s killing modern-day “black” churches is the ideology of “elitism” that breeds the thought that they should not be “casual” with those they are leading combined with the “unmasking” of a true self when “familiarity,” occurs.

Who you are at church should be no different than who you are at home. That is, if your church is a true community of believers gathering for the encouragement of one another in following the will of God.

No, every single person cannot handle the responsibility of knowing your weaknesses or private business. Nor can every person know every detail of your personality & who you are. But that’s not just because of your anointing. It’s because you’re a real person dealing with real people & that doesn’t change simply because you put on a collar. There are just more people knocking at your door then there were before.

BUT, if you are who you promote yourself to be then there should be no “shell-shock” or “kickback” when they get to know “the real you.” When in ministry, getting to know you at a personal level should delve deeper into the knowledge of the same person, not reveal an entirely different identity.

What’s destroying our “black” churches is the same thing that’s destroying our “black” families & communities.

A lack of knowledge & a wealth of pride. A lack of understanding & a wealth of judgement. A lack of honesty & a wealth of costumes. A lack of faith & a wealth of jadedness. A lack of work ethic & a wealth of excuses. A lack of love & a wealth of lust.

If we would simply take the time to stop excluding ourselves from the rest of the “church,” recognizing that “the world rejecting us” is not the same thing as not putting forth the effort to obtain the tools necessary for success, we would be much better off as a people.

If we loved one another & worked together more than we sought out someone to blame for our “times of affliction,” & mistakes, we could grow into this thing commonly referred to by others as an actual community.

If we only took the time to practice what HE preached, we could become a true “we,” in which the ever dominating “them,” is welcomed & transformed into an “us.”

Don’t we all want to live in a place where people are patient & kind to one another? Not overtaken by envy, voices always boasting, out of pride. Where the majority of people aren’t selfish & constantly angry to the point of ruining the integrity & relationships of others?

Wouldn’t we all prefer a place where our mistakes aren’t held against us all the time, & people are happy when you tell (and prefer to tell you) the truth, even if it’s hard to hear? An environment where people protect each other, trust each other, & get through things together?

Now of course none of this is easy to achieve, but it is actually quite simple.

You see, faith, hope, & love prevail. But the greatest of these, is love.

Let’s have more love y’all.

Organizations Over People?

When did we start to choose entities over individuals?

And why does that remain to be okay?

Our lives should have Christ at the center, then family & intimate relationships, THEN all other institutions created for the purpose of coming together for a common goal?

When did serving our churches become of greater priority than serving our families?

There is a very distinct difference between placing God before all else & placing “church” above all other things.

There is an order that we must begin to restore to our communities or else the foundation of our society will remain shaky. Our relationship with God allows us to build families & relationships with one another. And our churches are built upon those relationships.

Now I’m not saying that we should stop going to church in order to have “family day” every week at Chuck-E-Cheese. But what I am saying is that the needs of individuals who are closest to us should surpass the wants of our church institutions. In fact, the desires & actions of our churches should be rooted & determined -by- the needs of our relationships, just as our relationships are rooted & determined by our relationship with God.

I mean honestly, how will people you love feel if you continually choose church (not God, but church itself), over them? And, of course, that’s the same way God feels when we choose people over Him. Everything suffers if we neglect the building of one level & simply move on to the next. Think Jenga–but with your life.

Our churches reflect our relationships, which reflect our relationship with God–because they are built upon one another. Is it any wonder that in a time of such separation & deviation from intimate relationships with God that we have so many broken homes, resulting in so many ineffective churches?

If we refuse to make our family & core relationships our number 2 priority after God himself, then our churches will never be strong enough to successfully replenish, restore, rebuild, & refresh our communities–or our world.

Journey to Love: Then & Now

Breathing quietly as I reminisce on what once was.

Nights spent laughing and playing, watching movies on couches & beds together.

I remember the time of being carefully wooed with caring gestures, words, lyrics, sentiments and public displays of affection.

I think on the days of late night phone calls just to hear the voice on the other end of the line before going to bed.

I recall the walks all over town just to have an excuse to be in each other’s presence.

But then my heart rate increases as I am hit with the reason it all ended.

Lies, manipulation, control, & hidden motives.

Never really knew who you were….though I thought I did.

Though the product matched the picture on the menu, the description was completely falsified.

Tricked, or should I say tripped, into falling in love.

Prayed for me & I even allowed you to lay what I thought were healing hands on me…all the while not understanding how I was getting sicker.

Actually believed that God was punishing me for hurting you in some way.

All I ever wanted was the good days back, never realizing that they were only a mirage—not knowing that the snake’s venom first entered my blood stream from the IV drip you put in my arm.

Thank God for someone finally checking the fluid tap. I’d surely be dead by now otherwise.

For every Elijah who spoke your death I thank God, because as long as you lived in my life—I was dying.

I begin to relax as I come to the realization that it’s over.

In the darkest of the night, my knight arrived..

Though I barely had a pulse left when He found me, I was still alive. Barely hangin on—-but still breathing.

He lifted me in His arms, my body frail & limp—and carried me into His home.

He laid me in His bed & did not try to take advantage of me in my weakened state, but instead nursed me back to health.

He sat at my bedside telling me jokes & stories—trying to keep my mind on that which is good.

He brought me food which He made with His own hands to be sure it was pure & not tampered with.

When I was strong enough, He went for walks with me to help me build my strength up…walking close so He would be able to catch me in case my legs gave out, but letting my own muscles do as much as they could handle.

As I got stronger I began to cook for myself, making a special plate for Him—not because He asked, but because I wanted to.

My walks became runs that I could go on alone, but I’d ask Him along just because I loved His company.

I had stories of my own to tell, but I always requested to hear His jokes because, well, truth be told, laughter is the one medication that you can’t overdose on.

Though He never asked me for it or tried to take it—He had my heart. And it wasn’t just because He helped me when I was down. During the time of my recuperation we were together so much that we gained an intimate knowledge of each other. I learned the little things…the things that didn’t make it into His widely-spread reputation.

And that’s when I fell in love.

Yeah, the good guy is great, and a cool person to be friends with. But it wasn’t until I got to know Him—the real Him….on an intimate level, that I fell in love. I could lie and say I fell for Him because He rescued me from you, but that’s not even true. He was being a good Samaritan and I’m grateful for that.

But I love Him because of the way He uses His hands to help explain things when someone says they don’t understand. I love Him because of the way He presents different views on things that I never would have thought of. I love Him because of the way He just turns His head & laughs when I’m flustered. I love Him because of the way He takes a deep breath when He’s about to say something important.

I don’t love Him for what He did for me—I love Him for who He is.

And that’s the difference between now & then.

See I loved you because you made me feel special—doing so much for me, or rather, for my affection. I fell for you because your words & actions pulled me. But not for Him….for Him I jumped. No one forced it to happen. I just woke up one morning & realized I made the choice in my sleep.

So now my heart, having gone on this roller coaster ride my head just brought it through in a matter of moments is beaming a light so bright that people are telling me I’m glowing—asking for my moisturizer & skin care secrets. So I laugh & simply tell them I’m in love.

Most times they understand…nodding knowingly as they continue on their way. But other times they raise an eyebrow and say, “Wow, I wish I had a love that made me look like that…but if I looked like that, I’d probably have one!”

That’s when I look at them, smile, and say…..but you can, why don’t you let me introduce you?