Confronting Truth

One day, after a confrontation about the racial experiences of my youth, some people that meant the world to me looked me in the face & said, “I’m done; have a nice life,” followed by, “you need to leave, right now.” And so I left in tears. In the months that followed, no one one else in that community stood with me, or stood up for me. And I discovered I’d never actually had any allies there to begin with.

And that’s okay. But I can’t erase their fingerprints from my life. I honor them because they taught me how to share all you have even when everyone calls you a fool. How to help people even when you’re pissed at them. How to show up even when nobody else will. How to make the hard calls and stand your ground even if it means getting in the way of what’s convenient. Members of that community taught me that there is nothing more important than the presence & care of the people who love you.

And even thought I haven’t entered rooms with them since, my ritual of publicly honoring them at the beginning of every gathering, lecture, speech, presentation, & project stands just as it did before. And I can’t imagine it will ever change. Even though the people who taught me the most are no longer even there, that community shaped me into the person I am today. So today, I honor them still.

The commitment to tell the truth in love, even when it offends everyone in the room may have cost me their fellowship. But that unapologetic commitment is what brought me into relationship with the community I have today. A community that fights alongside me, even when it’s unpopular. A community that doesn’t throw anyone away, even when we deserve it. A community that will fight with me—loud & passionate & real. A community that cares for me, as I am, in word & deed. A community that isn’t inconvenienced by my needs, but treats them as their own. A multiracial community of loving, sincere people, & mostly poor people who will show up when I call & save the questions until they arrive.

And so, as painful & heartbreaking as that day was just a little over a year ago, I consider myself lucky for that confrontation. Because, now the curse of crying in pain on the most important, special days of my life has finally been broken. My birthday this year was the absolute best I’ve ever had—and it was my 30th! Beloved community isn’t just the imaginary things of dreams; it’s now my reality.

All this to say, I couldn’t possibly be more grateful for those I’m gathering with season. They’re the reason I can step into the most difficult role of my life, while reeling from a tragedy I could have never imagined, & still walk with grace. Ubuntu—now & always. I truly am humbled by love. Onward together; no stepping back. Joyeux Noël mes amis.

Incredible things ahead,

KMB

People & Pain

"I'm not going to be light-skinned anymore."

Probably the last words I expected to hear walking down the halls of a middle school in rural Milton, Vermont. And yet--they managed to be some of the first yesterday morning.

In a place where the minority population equates to about 5 non-white children per grade (there's been a lot of growth over the last 8 years), the light-skinned/dark-skinned fight is not something I anticipated finding traces of. But here they are, sticky and not exactly sweet. It would be easy for me to make this about race, but that's not what's nagging at the nape of my neck today. The simple fact is: Where there are teenagers, there will be the pain of self-disdain--accompanied by obscenely unnecessary amounts of poorly-blended makeup & Axe body spray. But what bothers me today is that so many of those teenage girls & boys become 50 year old men &women who can't seem to stop apologizing for and attempting to blot out who they are. At what point do we finally realize that we don't have to atone for being human? That having flaws, feelings, & fears is not only acceptable, but a huge part of what makes our lives and experiences unique.

In today's society, it's a challenge not to buy into the popular notion that we must be the definition of "flawless." So no scars. No tears. No weakness allowed. But where does that get us?

This just in:

Failing at an endeavor does not make you a failure.

Perfection and perfectly you are not the same thing.

Emotions serve a purpose.

No one has the qualifications or authority to appraise your life besides you.

So many times in our lives we perpetuate the false truth that falling short of perfection is a reason to be coated in shame. But no matter how many times I hear it--even from my own lips, I refuse to believe it. If for no other reason than the fact that it's just not true. I mean yes, it's a conscious choice--to not agree with the affirmations. And it's one I have to make. Because coating something in shame is like coating it in silver. It draws all the attention from the item itself to its shiny coating, but stops allowing it to move forward. It freezes it in time so it can no longer grow or develop. And then it rusts.

Now I don't know about you, but I have no desire to be a rusty, underdeveloped thing people look at as a discussion piece, but remain unable to engage.

I'm a person, and as much as I come with creativity, beauty, & joy, I also come with pain.

“It’s not my thing.”

I know a lot of people who say politics isn’t their thing & they don’t really like reading or learning about history.

And I could say that’s fine and well because we all have our interests–but it’s not. I don’t like math, but unless I want to trust all the handling of all my finances to someone who “likes” math, I’m darn sure going to learn how to count. Not because I think numbers are cool, but because my livelihood and prosperity depend on it. It’s simple wisdom.

I truly believe that as a millennial adult you cannot hold someone else responsible for the problems caused by your willful ignorance.

So Dear America, please stop choosing to avoid World History. Because, like arithmetic, if we ignore the precepts found therein, we’re doomed to be duped by someone who paid attention.

With Much Love & Respect,

K. Marie

Walking with Christ

I don’t have faith that the world is going to be all sunshine & roses.

I don’t believe I’m going to have everything I want.

I don’t believe I’ll always be happy.

I don’t believe I’ll ever have all the answers.

I don’t believe everyone gets a "happy ending.“

I don’t believe I’m ever going to not be faced with struggle in this life.

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I believe that all things come to an end, but not every well runs dry.

I believe that whatever happens is going to be for the conditioning & strengthening of my spirit.

I believe that I’ll always be able to find joy.

I believe that every struggle I’m faced with will only be temporary.

I believe that God is going to get glory from everything He allows & doesn’t allow in my life.

I have faith that God has not forgotten me & will have His will be done in my life–whatever that may be.

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"I will bless Jehovah at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth.”–Psalm 34:1 (King David)

“Going a little farther, He fell with His face to the ground and prayed, ‘My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as You will.”–Matthew 26:39 (Jesus Christ)

“…..And if I perish, I perish.”–Esther 4:16 (Queen Esther)