Indeterminate Wait
Everywhere I turn I seem to not be enough.
Not gentle enough, or
understanding enough, or
kind enough, or
confident enough, or
strong enough, or
frugal enough, or
caring enough, or
fast enough, or
calm enough, or
gracious enough, or
smooth enough, or
honest enough, or
happy enough, or
or humble enough, or
friendly enough, or
smart enough, or
chill enough, or
compassionate enough, or
self-assured enough, or
positive enough, or
healthy enough, or
motivated enough, or
fair enough, or
encouraged enough.
And when I’m not enough I feel like I’m just too much.
Too slow, and
too strong, and
too confident, and
too critical, and
too sensitive, and
too fat, and
too sweaty, and
too opinionated, and
too insecure,
too quiet, and
too nervous, and
too impatient,
too loud, and
too poor-minded, and
too needy, and
too bitter, and
too demanding, and
too bougie, and
too deep, and
too self-centered, and
too controlling, and
too excited, and
too focused, and
too defeated, and
too tired, and
too frustrated, and
too emotional, and
too hungry, and
too convicted, and
too convicting, and
too upset, and
too focused on the past.
It would be one thing if I thought everyone was tripping. But I agree with them—across the board.
And Idk what to do about it. I don’t know how to be better; how to be more of what I’m lacking and less of what I’m too much of. I want to be better so badly. For my friends, for my chosen family, and even for myself.
So many amazing things are happening around me. I believe God is doing soooo much to care for me & my tribe. And looking forward is so incredible—I’m in awe of what God is bestowing upon us.
But that doesn’t make me any less of a mess….or reduce how much hurt I’m causing to the people and relationships and projects around me. I don’t know how to be less abusive or manipulative…but I want to…soo badly. I just want to be good to and for the people around me. But I feel like even feeling like I can’t do anything right is failing.
It’s not even anybody’s “fault” but my own. Nobody can “fix” it but me. But I can’t figure out how to effectively adjust. And I’m just so sorry to the people in my life who love me.
Thanks for not quitting on me, but I don’t know how long you’ll have to not give up on me.