Broken Things

Often, I feel like a broken record. Skipping, and often unable to move forward at the planned & expected intervals.

Or white board. Leaving smudges behind and never really being able to keep it moving or let anything go away.

Or piece of chalk. Still functional for awhile, but constantly falling out of hands not able to have impact for any real amount of time without a strained & hyper-forced grip.

Or office chair. Bending underneath even slight weights and struggling to stay elevated, move around a room, or even smaller spaces reliably.

And I don’t think there is really a repair for any of those things. I mean, you could decide to get your penny’s worth & keep them. But repairing them isn’t really feasible. Ultimately you have to decide to move on from them and replace, upgrade, or neither.

But ultimately what is my current refrain? “I am so tired and I just don’t know.”

So I leave myself with the following questions:

1. What if I was brave enough to stop chasing after things that required my exhaustion?

2. What if I was bold enough to truly choose individuals & villages over organizations & institutions?

3. What if I was daring enough to do less?

4. What if I behaved as if I loved myself?

And let’s see where we can go from here.

What is Necessary?

You know, some days are really tough for no logical reason at all. Yesterday was one of those days. All the working Tuesday & Wednesday went so well! Great pace—even with plenty of hiccups & plan adjustments. And then yesterday happened. It would be easy to say we hadn’t gotten enough sleep or had too much to do. But truthfully, neither of those were true. It was just…exasperating. Every single little thing was hard for no reason. And the things that should have been difficult happened with ease all within 45 minutes. But everything else? Damn near painful. After it was clear several of us were struggling during check-ins at a community meeting I attended at 6:30pm, an elementary teacher who was present even led us in some breathing exercises. Then when we were asked, “how is everyone feeling after that?” someone I had spent the day with responded, “my goal isn’t to feel better because I just can’t take failing at anything else today.”

But you know what? When 11pm hit, we looked around to see that everything, somehow, had gotten done. Great food had been made & eaten. Dishes were done & spaces were clean. All the errands were finished in time. Scheduling for the next 2.5 months had been completed. Emotions were settled & even laughter was all around. The best part? We all got to sleep before midnight! Somehow, after an incredible day of ridiculous struggle—we arrived to the night whole & full.

Then this morning, all were rested & energized. And for the 1st time in a really long time, I began my leisure day with energy & peace. This, in spite of the fact that I woke up 10 minutes before I had to leave the house for my chiropractor appointment 20 minutes away.

And that gave me some perspective.

So often we wade through what feels like annoying, unfruitful, pointless struggle. And sometimes that’s true. But maybe whether a struggle is pointless isn’t actually about why it’s a struggle. It’s just dawned on me that maybe there’s more than two kinds of struggle. Maybe the idea of good struggle & bad (unnecessary) struggle leaves the valuation of some struggle invisible. And striving for only one or the other removes the possibility of unexpected fruit? Yesterday didn’t feel like good struggle—and yet our willingness to struggle rather than give up left us with meaningful progress that supported the full quality of my rest & everyone else’s labor today. Maybe it’s not as easy to determine whether a struggle is unnecessary as I’d always thought.

When I think about the past 4 days, I can’t help but make the connection to liberation work. Some days the struggle feels purposeful & fruitful. But just because it bears fruit, doesn’t necessarily mean it feels purposeful while we’re in it. And I’ve seen so many relationships & projects die because of that—because it feels “unnecessarily” difficult. I’ve been after when people have abandoned efforts & seen them come into miraculous abundance & discovery!

If we’re truly laboring to build a world we’ve never experienced except for in our dreams, how do we even know what “unnecessary” labor feels like? Our gauges of vital vs. vicious are set by global dominance & exploitation. Our minds & bodies have been socialized by a standard of suffering. So how can our judgements of what cultivates freedom be anything more than unskilled? How do we decide whether we ought to quit or keep pushing through any given struggle except from the other side? How do any of us know if something feels pointless because it doesn’t further our efforts of freedom or because it doesn’t strengthen our service of capitalism?

I think the honest answer is we don’t. I’ve been immersed in trying to figure that out for the last 5 years. Then there were all the unintentional part-time efforts for the 5 years before that. And I’m not sure I have any more of an answer now than I did when I started out.

These days I’ve learned not to interpret easy as right or difficult as best. Just as I’ve learned happiness is no better an indicator of wholeness than brooding is. Declaring something as “different” is not a valuation—it’s an assertion. And “worth it” will always be an estimate.

When I started out, I wanted to release every unnecessary struggle to focus on the ones that were important. But when it comes to figuring out which struggles are progressive & which aren’t, I think it’s time to consider a change in approach:

My goal isn’t to only be committed to “good” struggle anymore, because I’m not interested in failing at anything else right now. And maybe, somehow, after an incredible life of ridiculous struggle—I’ll arrive to the night whole & full.