Favorites—an Ode to Maria

Not checking emails & getting massages,
taking a nap & then hiding my watches.
Silencing my phone to stop all the rings,
these are a few of my favorite things.

Baths that last hours & warm weighted blankets,
slowly brewed herbal tea & meditations.
Hand-written letters from friends across seas,
these are a few of my favorite things!

During work days, paying taxes,
when I’m feeling sad…
I simply remember my favorite things, & I don’t feel so bad!

Nah, I’m Good

You can keep your, “Hero’s Journey”
your, “badge of honor,”
your, “female version of a hustler,”
your, “Black girl magic,”
your, “upgrade.”

Wait…let me slow down…
Take a breath in…let a breath out…
Take a breathe in…let a breath out…

I was so young the 1st time someone called me, “perfect,” I don’t even remember it. But I wasn’t even in high school the first time someone said to me, “we can’t all be perfect like you,” as an insulting retort. I’ve never claimed to be perfect. I’ve never wanted that label, but I’ve suffocated under the weight of it for as long as I can remember.

I don’t want to be anyone’s, “goals, or “guiding light.”
I don’t want to be loved for what I do,because then what happens when I can’t anymore?
There’s nothing wrong with being someone people admire, but only if that admiration doesn’t cost me the ability to breathe.

Growing up the 96th percentile wasn’t enough if “my best” was the 98th. Being called “brilliant” at 8 years old is not a compliment.
What I wouldn’t give to just “be.” Yes, I’m a leader. I DO want to be heard, seen, & felt. But not at the expense of my ability to ever acceptably be “average.” To need to rest…to need food…to need space…to need time…to need community…to need to cry & scream & pout & be completely irrational. To be mean & angry & frustrated & irritable.

I don’t want to be the “strongest person” anyone knows. I don’t want to be punished anymore. And that’s exactly what it feels like—my punishment for being “excellent” is that a 90% is an insufficient & an 8 out of 10 is a failure. “Anything less than your best, “they said, “isn’t good enough.” “Be twice as good to be given half the respect,” they chant in every leadership circle. How does nobody see the problem with saying that to a 12 year old?! At this point, I have enough complexes to be a freshly gentrified city center. In every room, community, & space being either too much or never enough.

Inhale…in
Exhale…and out
Inhale…in
Exhale…and out

I wonder if I make sure everyone is happy, will my “extra” suddenly become acceptable? If all their needs are met, will they be willing to help me get what I need? If I can just make sure they’re all comfortable, will I still be a burden? Or will I finally be someone worth making room for? Then when they count the cost, will they keep me around, even if it’s at a loss?

Rest isn’t just of the body?
Safety isn’t just a feeling?
Being born doesn’t give you a family?
Survival doesn’t mean we are living?

What makes a breath worth breathing?
What makes a view worth seeing?
Must it be the strongest & brightest?
Or can its value lie just in its being?

“Contribute,” they say.
“Stand up,” they say.
“Don’t quit,” they say.
“March on,” they say.

But if I can’t, how long will they carry me before I just become dead weight?
If their expectations create my reason for being, how much of that does my resting negate?
So I’m supposed to discern fiction from fact? Why does the bridge have to be called my back?
When searching for answers free of all lies…questions of truth are all that I find.

Darkness or Night

God is in the day as much as He is in the night. Yet He is light, but allows the devil to be the prince of darkness.

What does that tell us about Him?

That even in the places where it appears satan has all power, God is still in control.

He allows darkness to come, but He still remains Sovereign over the Universe.

See, in the darkest of night, it only takes a single lamp to light up a room. But during the day, it requires a great deal of work to create darkness.

Create–because you will not “find” it anywhere.

Though, at midnight, you can stumble upon the moon reflected in a lake & see brightness, at noon, even the darkest caves must be closed off and traveled through to find true darkness.

Look at what we learn about the wonderful greatness of God just by looking at the human body.

When it’s dark, your eyes yearn for light–that’s why they’re so sensitive to the tiniest shimmer. But when it’s light, have you ever found yourself naturally seeking out a shadow?

The same is true of the human spirit. It yearns for light! But just as harsh as it is to turn the lights up to bright after a long movie, so does it cause a knee-jerk reaction in the spirit. It takes a moment that sometimes causes you to wish someone would just turn the lights back off. But after a bit of adjustment to the light, you realize that it no longer hurts when you try to see–and you can see much clearer.

Which brings up another interesting point.

Being in darkness discourages you from trying to see. When it’s dark, you can’t keep your eyes open for as long because it hurts after a bit. In fact, trying to read without proper light is actually harmful to your eyes’ long term health. And artificial light such as computer screens can bring about headaches and even nausea.

But sunlight, on the other hand, is a total different ballgame. Sunlight not only encourages opening your eyes, but provides the perfect light to see with & has the capability of alleviating depression and providing energy to all living (and, through science, all nonliving) things!

How could it ever be believed that light a) doesn’t cast out darkness & b) isn’t preferable to darkness?

And while it may be cooler in the dark, it’s always going to be safer in the light

Storms of Life

As I look through my FB news feed, I find myself wondering if I’m the only one feeling joyful & encouraged by this storm.

Why are those who claim to know & love God growing worried by the forecast & predictions of those whose insight is so limited they can only tell us of a brewing storm when it is directly upon us? For aren’t the sight & the hand of God far greater than that of a weatherman?

Many times in my walk with Christ I have listened to people tell me that my things, even my very being, would be completely & utterly destroyed. Many times has a storm come over me so deeply that I nearly forgot what the sun felt like. But each & every time God kept me safe. The very name of the Lord is a strong tower that the righteous can always run into for safety. Why do we somehow feel that if God can protect us from things we can’t see, heal us from terminal sicknesses, & keep us safe when the enemy directly comes to attack us, that he’s going to let the rain & the water, which CAN ONLY come from Him, destroy us to a place from which we cannot, with Him, recover. “A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.” ~Psalm 34:19-20. Have we forgotten this?

The part that causes my spirit to rejoice is the fact that due to my spiritual walk with God, I have been in this place before. Because of this I understand what generally happens when God allows a storm to come over, though not overcome, His anointed. I have been in the eye of a storm wondering to myself, “Why God, why did you allow this storm to come? It’s so heavy! It’s causing so much destruction! It’s causing so much loss & pain!” I’ve said to God with confusion in my voice, “I don’t understand! You said all things work together for the good of those that love you, but I don’t see how all of these plagues & problems could be good.” And during that time, typically what happens is that God reminds me that I know nothing of what is & is not good for me. At that point I have what many would call “A Job moment,” where I, in my finite knowledge cannot comprehend why what’s going on around me is going on. (In this day & age many find themselves at that place by merely turning on the television or reading the newspaper.) See God brings back to my remembrance the simple fact that I was nowhere to be found when He was separating the sky from the water from the Earth, which causes me to realize that my vantage point is rather limited. Just as a 3 year old child does not understand why they must eat the carrots & green things on their plate before they have a piece of the German Chocolate cake their mother made for dinner, neither do we often understand why things are not looking the way we want them to look or occur in the order that we want them to. But just as a parent has a much more vast knowledge of how the body works than their young child does, so does God have much more insight into my situation than I ever could. See a mother knows that if her child eats the cake 1st, their bodies will want to just keep eating because it’s sweet & won’t get any of the nutrients it needs to keep functioning normally the next day, but would instead end up with a stomach ache. In the same fashion God knows that there are some things we need worked in us so we can function properly the next day…and these things rarely taste as sweet as German chocolate cake. But the Bible does declare that He is the Alpha *and* the Omega, meaning He not only knows about, but *IS* the beginning and the end, and because we know God does all things decently and in order, it goes without saying that if He is the beginning & the end, He is most certainly the middle as well. I’ll give a couple of you reading that a minute just to take in what I just said. If God IS the beginning *and* the end, then He is also the middle. Just because you are visually surrounded by light when at the entrance & exit of a tunnel, does not mean that God is any less with you while you’re going through it! Just because we cannot, as we look out our windows in this moment, see that light shining down on us does not mean God has left our homes! Often times, we, as believers, find ourselves having issues making it through the storms because we forget about what happened after the Lord flooded the Earth. We forget what happened when, after the 40 days & 40 nights, dry land was found again. We forget the rainbow. We forget all of God’s promises because we get caught up in the sound of the wind banging against our windows & the sight of the rain beating down mercilessly as the darkness engulfs the land. We focus our eyes on the water level we see rising. We keep looking at the darkness which surrounds us, and, taking up the way of the world & the unholy, we allow that darkness to fill our minds & take control of all of our thoughts as opposed to proceeding Biblically & lifting our eyes towards the hills from whence cometh our help and recognizing that, though we may not always see our help, we do know where it comes from, and that it is, in fact, coming. Even though I can’t always see the sun, oh, the one thing I do know for sure is that it will in fact rise in the east again tomorrow. Though my tears may flow like rain from my soul for a night, joy will certainly come in the morning!

But you know, the one thing that trips me up about believers is that they are very quick to sing about how, “trouble won’t last always.” They get so caught up in getting out of their storm that they don’t realize that there is purpose IN the storm itself! Sometimes we get so quick to get out of a storm that we don’t take the time to remember that God is the very one who controls the winds & the clouds. No raindrop can fall without His consent. And if we read our Bibles we know that God does nothing for no reason. Nothing is wasted, nothing is lost. During this time of seemingly endless rain, I am reminded that it was a fountain which was opened to the house of David & the people of Jerusalem for the purpose of cleansing them from sin & impurity. I am reminded of the wickedness that inhabited the Earth during the days that Noah lived. And I do realize that when God does a thing, there is always a purpose.

Remember I said I was encouraged? Well I’m about to let you in on why….see as I look around at trees being uprooted & phone poles being knocked out, and in some cases, whole homes being destroyed, I do recall that in the times of Israel’s disobedience, even they, the most beloved of God, had their city destroyed–by God Himself. At that time the Lord Almighty declared that the tops of the pillars would be struck so the thresholds shook. It was He who called for the waters of the sea & poured them out over the face of the land. But if we finish reading the very end of the book of Amos, we get to that promise….that promise that God said He would, “restore David’s fallen shelter,” & “repair its broken walls & restore its ruins,” and even that He would, “rebuild it as it used to be, so that they may posses the remnant of Edom & all the nations that bore [His] name.” And how many people know that when God rebuilds a thing, it is -always- greater than the former. My God, even when Job had everything taken away from Him, when God restored his life, Job ended up with far more than he could have obtained on his own. But in order for a new home to be built, the first one must be torn down. And so even as destruction is predicted into my future by every weatherman in the country, my household is saturated in peace & joy. Why? Because I know that God said that even though my afflictions may be many in number He would protect my bones & that none would be broken. God said that though the flood may come, He would erect a standard against it. Now whose report will you believe?

See in Isaiah 55:11 God said that His Word would NEVER return unto Him void, but would rather accomplish what He desired and achieve the purpose for which He sent it. So if God promised that all things work together for the good of those that love Him, and you truly love Him, then where exactly do you get the idea that the Lord, your God, is allowing a storm to occur in your life which does not work out for your good?? Nowhere in scripture have I found a place where God said that storms would never come in your life if you were in the will of God. On the contrary, the Bible tells us that the rain falls & the sun shines on the just & the unjust alike. In fact, it even warns us that many are the afflictions of the righteous! Peter encourages the people of God not to be surprised when they are afflicted as though it is something strange or weird. But He did say He would keep us. He did say that the people of God would reap their harvest in due season if they fainted not.

Remember I said before that this place was not one that was unfamiliar to me? That I’d experienced these storms sent by God before? Well, what always happens, each & every time, without fail, is that when the mission of the storm is accomplished, it ends. When God finished wiping out what needs to be wiped out & cleans those things which are filthy with His purifying waters, the rain stops, the darkness gives way to sunshine & you open your eyes to discover that you (and often your life) have never been cleaner. You discover that never has your vision been clearer. Once you come out of the storm you find that your world has never had as much peace & never have your blessings been so great! See if you just allow God to do what He’s doing, and stop fighting it, then the process is much quicker. And if you take the moment to recognize the situation for what it is–another storm sent by God to work something out in you, you might even begin to praise Him at the first sign of rain because you know what rain means. See many have claimed that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing & expecting a different result. By that definition, I’m pretty sure I’d qualify the devil as legally insane. Because I can look at my walk with Christ, as well as the walks of all those included in the 66 books of the Bible and see an overwhelmingly recurring pattern. First comes storms, then comes blessings. And I do know the devil has seen far more walks than I have, but I look at that which I have seen, in my minute 20 years of life, and don’t need further convincing. If I see a storm, I don’t have to think about it or try to figure it out, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I just let God do what He’s doing, then when it stops raining, I’m going to receive more blessings than I’ll have room enough to receive!! *That,* as those who have seen me doing it will understand, is why I begin to shout the moment I feel the pressure of the crushing. *That* is why I praise God when I’ve been in a storm so long I feel like I physically can’t take another rain drop. Because I rest myself purely on His promises, understanding that He’s not a man that He should lie, neither the son of man, that He should repent. He does not speak & not act! He doesn’t promise & not fulfill!!! So if I find myself in a storm I praise God because I know that not only is He going to wash away all the things I don’t need, but He’s going to cleanse that which He allows to remain, AND nothing I need will be broken in the process!! Isn’t that what many of us cry out for most of our lives?!?

So as this Irene chaos advances in its approach to my door, I’m going to handle it the same way I handle every other storm that God has ever allowed me to go through with the same mindset that the Bible tells me to handle it with. I’m going to have joy when the world instructs me to fear & have peace when the world tells me to panic. I’m going to do all I can to keep myself safe & then I’m going to hold onto the same God who keeps me from getting hit by a car or struck with disease for safety, with the knowledge that as long as I’m in His will, God is not going to allow any of my bones to be broken.

So it is in the spiritual, it is in the natural.

Come on saints of the Most High, The True & Living God….let not your faith stop & start at the doors of the church.

Cleansing Peace

I can hear the crickets. They sound so beautiful. So constant. So dependable.

I see the sky's light show. Bright white with pink & purple at its center. So beautiful. Sporadically free. Coming & going as it pleases.

I feel the drops of water flowing ever so lightly from the sky. Silent, but for its contact with the ground & things that reside between its origin & destination.

Its soft touch reprimanding me for getting in its way & thanking me for keeping it company at the same time. Harsh yet welcoming. Hard then soft at an unknown rate. But never really stopping either. Just taking a rest.

Then the air takes over. The scent of starting anew fills my lungs.

Everything freshly cleaned. All pain washed away leaving clean slates everywhere. The sun will shine light upon every crack tomorrow morning.

But for now, tonight, the world is at peace.