Writing with Pen

There’s just something about touching pen to paper when you’re inspired that does something inside of you.

Something different than typing or even writing with pencil.

There’s something about the permanence of releasing an idea through a hand, onto paper, with a pen that moves something in you. Because, even greater than a word spoken, is a word written in ink.

It cannot be misheard or edited without trace.

It cannot be muted or changed once the liquid seeps into the fibers of the page.

The concept of cementing an idea into reality is grand enough, but the actual practice of doing it–well, it changes you forever.

Storms of Life

As I look through my FB news feed, I find myself wondering if I’m the only one feeling joyful & encouraged by this storm.

Why are those who claim to know & love God growing worried by the forecast & predictions of those whose insight is so limited they can only tell us of a brewing storm when it is directly upon us? For aren’t the sight & the hand of God far greater than that of a weatherman?

Many times in my walk with Christ I have listened to people tell me that my things, even my very being, would be completely & utterly destroyed. Many times has a storm come over me so deeply that I nearly forgot what the sun felt like. But each & every time God kept me safe. The very name of the Lord is a strong tower that the righteous can always run into for safety. Why do we somehow feel that if God can protect us from things we can’t see, heal us from terminal sicknesses, & keep us safe when the enemy directly comes to attack us, that he’s going to let the rain & the water, which CAN ONLY come from Him, destroy us to a place from which we cannot, with Him, recover. “A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.” ~Psalm 34:19-20. Have we forgotten this?

The part that causes my spirit to rejoice is the fact that due to my spiritual walk with God, I have been in this place before. Because of this I understand what generally happens when God allows a storm to come over, though not overcome, His anointed. I have been in the eye of a storm wondering to myself, “Why God, why did you allow this storm to come? It’s so heavy! It’s causing so much destruction! It’s causing so much loss & pain!” I’ve said to God with confusion in my voice, “I don’t understand! You said all things work together for the good of those that love you, but I don’t see how all of these plagues & problems could be good.” And during that time, typically what happens is that God reminds me that I know nothing of what is & is not good for me. At that point I have what many would call “A Job moment,” where I, in my finite knowledge cannot comprehend why what’s going on around me is going on. (In this day & age many find themselves at that place by merely turning on the television or reading the newspaper.) See God brings back to my remembrance the simple fact that I was nowhere to be found when He was separating the sky from the water from the Earth, which causes me to realize that my vantage point is rather limited. Just as a 3 year old child does not understand why they must eat the carrots & green things on their plate before they have a piece of the German Chocolate cake their mother made for dinner, neither do we often understand why things are not looking the way we want them to look or occur in the order that we want them to. But just as a parent has a much more vast knowledge of how the body works than their young child does, so does God have much more insight into my situation than I ever could. See a mother knows that if her child eats the cake 1st, their bodies will want to just keep eating because it’s sweet & won’t get any of the nutrients it needs to keep functioning normally the next day, but would instead end up with a stomach ache. In the same fashion God knows that there are some things we need worked in us so we can function properly the next day…and these things rarely taste as sweet as German chocolate cake. But the Bible does declare that He is the Alpha *and* the Omega, meaning He not only knows about, but *IS* the beginning and the end, and because we know God does all things decently and in order, it goes without saying that if He is the beginning & the end, He is most certainly the middle as well. I’ll give a couple of you reading that a minute just to take in what I just said. If God IS the beginning *and* the end, then He is also the middle. Just because you are visually surrounded by light when at the entrance & exit of a tunnel, does not mean that God is any less with you while you’re going through it! Just because we cannot, as we look out our windows in this moment, see that light shining down on us does not mean God has left our homes! Often times, we, as believers, find ourselves having issues making it through the storms because we forget about what happened after the Lord flooded the Earth. We forget what happened when, after the 40 days & 40 nights, dry land was found again. We forget the rainbow. We forget all of God’s promises because we get caught up in the sound of the wind banging against our windows & the sight of the rain beating down mercilessly as the darkness engulfs the land. We focus our eyes on the water level we see rising. We keep looking at the darkness which surrounds us, and, taking up the way of the world & the unholy, we allow that darkness to fill our minds & take control of all of our thoughts as opposed to proceeding Biblically & lifting our eyes towards the hills from whence cometh our help and recognizing that, though we may not always see our help, we do know where it comes from, and that it is, in fact, coming. Even though I can’t always see the sun, oh, the one thing I do know for sure is that it will in fact rise in the east again tomorrow. Though my tears may flow like rain from my soul for a night, joy will certainly come in the morning!

But you know, the one thing that trips me up about believers is that they are very quick to sing about how, “trouble won’t last always.” They get so caught up in getting out of their storm that they don’t realize that there is purpose IN the storm itself! Sometimes we get so quick to get out of a storm that we don’t take the time to remember that God is the very one who controls the winds & the clouds. No raindrop can fall without His consent. And if we read our Bibles we know that God does nothing for no reason. Nothing is wasted, nothing is lost. During this time of seemingly endless rain, I am reminded that it was a fountain which was opened to the house of David & the people of Jerusalem for the purpose of cleansing them from sin & impurity. I am reminded of the wickedness that inhabited the Earth during the days that Noah lived. And I do realize that when God does a thing, there is always a purpose.

Remember I said I was encouraged? Well I’m about to let you in on why….see as I look around at trees being uprooted & phone poles being knocked out, and in some cases, whole homes being destroyed, I do recall that in the times of Israel’s disobedience, even they, the most beloved of God, had their city destroyed–by God Himself. At that time the Lord Almighty declared that the tops of the pillars would be struck so the thresholds shook. It was He who called for the waters of the sea & poured them out over the face of the land. But if we finish reading the very end of the book of Amos, we get to that promise….that promise that God said He would, “restore David’s fallen shelter,” & “repair its broken walls & restore its ruins,” and even that He would, “rebuild it as it used to be, so that they may posses the remnant of Edom & all the nations that bore [His] name.” And how many people know that when God rebuilds a thing, it is -always- greater than the former. My God, even when Job had everything taken away from Him, when God restored his life, Job ended up with far more than he could have obtained on his own. But in order for a new home to be built, the first one must be torn down. And so even as destruction is predicted into my future by every weatherman in the country, my household is saturated in peace & joy. Why? Because I know that God said that even though my afflictions may be many in number He would protect my bones & that none would be broken. God said that though the flood may come, He would erect a standard against it. Now whose report will you believe?

See in Isaiah 55:11 God said that His Word would NEVER return unto Him void, but would rather accomplish what He desired and achieve the purpose for which He sent it. So if God promised that all things work together for the good of those that love Him, and you truly love Him, then where exactly do you get the idea that the Lord, your God, is allowing a storm to occur in your life which does not work out for your good?? Nowhere in scripture have I found a place where God said that storms would never come in your life if you were in the will of God. On the contrary, the Bible tells us that the rain falls & the sun shines on the just & the unjust alike. In fact, it even warns us that many are the afflictions of the righteous! Peter encourages the people of God not to be surprised when they are afflicted as though it is something strange or weird. But He did say He would keep us. He did say that the people of God would reap their harvest in due season if they fainted not.

Remember I said before that this place was not one that was unfamiliar to me? That I’d experienced these storms sent by God before? Well, what always happens, each & every time, without fail, is that when the mission of the storm is accomplished, it ends. When God finished wiping out what needs to be wiped out & cleans those things which are filthy with His purifying waters, the rain stops, the darkness gives way to sunshine & you open your eyes to discover that you (and often your life) have never been cleaner. You discover that never has your vision been clearer. Once you come out of the storm you find that your world has never had as much peace & never have your blessings been so great! See if you just allow God to do what He’s doing, and stop fighting it, then the process is much quicker. And if you take the moment to recognize the situation for what it is–another storm sent by God to work something out in you, you might even begin to praise Him at the first sign of rain because you know what rain means. See many have claimed that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing & expecting a different result. By that definition, I’m pretty sure I’d qualify the devil as legally insane. Because I can look at my walk with Christ, as well as the walks of all those included in the 66 books of the Bible and see an overwhelmingly recurring pattern. First comes storms, then comes blessings. And I do know the devil has seen far more walks than I have, but I look at that which I have seen, in my minute 20 years of life, and don’t need further convincing. If I see a storm, I don’t have to think about it or try to figure it out, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I just let God do what He’s doing, then when it stops raining, I’m going to receive more blessings than I’ll have room enough to receive!! *That,* as those who have seen me doing it will understand, is why I begin to shout the moment I feel the pressure of the crushing. *That* is why I praise God when I’ve been in a storm so long I feel like I physically can’t take another rain drop. Because I rest myself purely on His promises, understanding that He’s not a man that He should lie, neither the son of man, that He should repent. He does not speak & not act! He doesn’t promise & not fulfill!!! So if I find myself in a storm I praise God because I know that not only is He going to wash away all the things I don’t need, but He’s going to cleanse that which He allows to remain, AND nothing I need will be broken in the process!! Isn’t that what many of us cry out for most of our lives?!?

So as this Irene chaos advances in its approach to my door, I’m going to handle it the same way I handle every other storm that God has ever allowed me to go through with the same mindset that the Bible tells me to handle it with. I’m going to have joy when the world instructs me to fear & have peace when the world tells me to panic. I’m going to do all I can to keep myself safe & then I’m going to hold onto the same God who keeps me from getting hit by a car or struck with disease for safety, with the knowledge that as long as I’m in His will, God is not going to allow any of my bones to be broken.

So it is in the spiritual, it is in the natural.

Come on saints of the Most High, The True & Living God….let not your faith stop & start at the doors of the church.

Don’t Pause Your Thoughts

In order to stand up for what you believe in, you must first know what you believe.

To fight for your rights, you must first know what your rights are.

The only way to enlighten others, is to first be enlightened.

You should not be afraid to think. It isn't a taxing task. It is harder to do the opposite. We think every moment of every day about every decision we are called upon to make.

The human brain is one of the most powerful things in this universe. It can reason. It can ignore. It can focus. It can elaborate. It can change. So put it to use.

Think about more than the color of your nail polish or what you will have for breakfast. It was made to multitask.

Think about issues facing our race as a whole. Which race? The human race. And in the least, issues facing your society.

Be it equal rights among all, discrimination for ANY reason, the war on terrorism, or world poverty & hunger.

Never pause in your thinking, because you never know when it will be your decision that will make the difference.

Cleansing Peace

I can hear the crickets. They sound so beautiful. So constant. So dependable.

I see the sky's light show. Bright white with pink & purple at its center. So beautiful. Sporadically free. Coming & going as it pleases.

I feel the drops of water flowing ever so lightly from the sky. Silent, but for its contact with the ground & things that reside between its origin & destination.

Its soft touch reprimanding me for getting in its way & thanking me for keeping it company at the same time. Harsh yet welcoming. Hard then soft at an unknown rate. But never really stopping either. Just taking a rest.

Then the air takes over. The scent of starting anew fills my lungs.

Everything freshly cleaned. All pain washed away leaving clean slates everywhere. The sun will shine light upon every crack tomorrow morning.

But for now, tonight, the world is at peace.

Reconstruction

Engulfed in flames.

No way out.

We are charred.

Bridges demolished.

Forces us to entertain the question, "Is it worth rebuilding?"

If the answer is yes, then we must start from scratch, one step at a time. But sometimes the answer is no. When one route is wiped out, you come to find out how badly you need it, or find another trail.

Sometimes that trail is actually a better route to your destination, or even more, leads to a better destination altogether.

It is only after a roadway has been demolished that we can allow ourselves to realize that some bridges are better off burned.

Perfect Blend

Caramel. Vanilla. Coffee Bean. Cream. Chocolate--milk, dark, & white.

Each with it's own amazing traits. But one without all the rest is just plain...and boring.

The best is when all are mixed in various amounts with no overwhelming flavor. When all come together, you can taste all of them--at the same time.

It's beautiful on the eyes. Delicious to the tounge. Sensational to the mind. And indefinably amazing to the heart.

Define the word blend?

The perfect coffee.

Struggle

Some days are easier than others.
But every one is a struggle.
Every.
Single.
One.
People make it easier and harder.
And then there's me making it worse all the time.
Connecting things when I wish I couldn't.
Seeing his name everywhere.
Seeing his personality.
Being constantly reminded of what could have been.
What should have been.
But didn't.
And worse.
What happened instead.
All the time.
Praying every night for these thoughts to go away.
For me to never see his smile again.
But the sight of his face bringing me elation and making me want to cry at the same time.
The suprise of a photograph bringing more than anyone knows.
I don't talk about it.
Because no one wants to hear about it.
They're tired of my voice droning on.
And so am I.
But I can't just walk away from the sound of the repetitious words, thoughts, and feelings.
Because they're coming from me.
I want to "get over it."
But I know that will never be possible.
He will always be a part of me.
And I wouldn't want it any other way.
But that doesn't stop the struggle.
It continues everyday.
I wake up and all day a slideshow is flashing in the background of my brain.
From Rise til Rest pictures flow past my cataracts.
And each picture is of a moment when we were together.
Some special and some frivolous.
But nonetheless, together.
And while I loathe their sight and wish I could burn them all,
I love them.
Every.
Single.
One.

Squint

As I look at the pictures I just took attempting to capture the way
I'm feeling right now,
I notice something.
It's kind of funny because we spend our whole lives searching for some
kind of clarity. But when I look at these pictures, I see something.
It's a part of our nature and kind of a force of habit to delete
blurry pictures.
But I didn't.
I just kept taking new shots.
When I went back through I was suprised by what I saw.
I noticed that it was often the blurry pictures that captured my
current state the best.
The muffled spoke louder than the clear.
And it forced a thought into my head.
We spend our whole lives
looking for..
searching for..
not resting until we find..
Clarity.
Never stopping to think that maybe the meaning we've been looking for
isn't in the most minute pixels, but in the bigger picture.
It's not that the details don't matter, because they do.
But maybe we have to take the step back.
And squint our eyes.
To actually see the message hidden in plain sight.
The one that's been there all along but we've missed.
Because although we may have been looking at the right picture, we've
been looking at it wrong.
So I'm taking the time...
To tilt my head and squint.

More than a Stage

Some people look at a stage and see the curtains and the stage itself.
Others look at a stage and see the technicians dressed in black taking
care of the actors scrambling around checking their props and getting
into character. When I look at a stage I see something different.
Something more.
When I look at the MHS stage I see a brother and sister who hate each
other compromising and making a deal to get out of a punishment. I see
a woman finding joy after a journey through self-discovery. I see a
mother's battle to care for a son who is annoyed by her affection. I
see a family help change a rude houseguest into a kind and caring man
just by showing him the love of a real family. I see a man conflicted
with the inner-struggle of conformity and individuality. I see a girl
searching for the meaning of life, only to learn that what creates our
purpose are the choices we make when we decide what's important to us.
I see a woman learning that the only way to deal with feelings is to
let them out. I see a young monkey boy's transformation from a selfish
child into a noble king.
But most memorable of the many things I see when I take a moment to
really look at the stage that has been a home to me for the past four
years, is the last scene of the show. I see high school students
learning from and growing with the characters they portray on stage.
I see the true effect of theatre.
Not the acting experience. Not the tech experience. Not even the
smiles on the faces of cast, crew, and audience.
It is the part of the experience that is embedded within from the
moment you begin to hear, read, and learn the lines until the moment
your soul leaves your body.
It is the comfortablity with yourself and others that allows you to
change in front of members of both sexes and all sexual preferences
without care or concern.
It is the freedom of mind to take chances that lets you go onstage
without inhibitions and try something new.
It is the discovery of who you are found by pretending to be someone
you are not.
I see the true effect of theatre.
I see growth.
Growth of love, care, thought, expression, acceptance, individuality,
tolerance, patience, mind, body, spirit and soul.
When I look upon a stage I see development of character, but most
importantly, development of a generation of people all of the same
species---I see evolution.

Energized

I'm tired of fighting.
I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired of being angry.
I'm tired of regret.
I'm tired of denial.
I'm tired of fatigue.
I'm tired of falling.
I'm tired of the world spinning.
I'm tired of intolerance.
I'm tired of judgements.
I'm tired of selfishness.
I'm tired of miscommunications.
I'm tired of us.
I'm tired of this conversation.
So maybe it's time we consider other options.
We've already had our trial seperation.
And now...
I'm tired of the false hope we've given ourselves to believe we could fix things by avoiding them.
I'm tired of disappointment.
I'm tired of not being able to count on you.
I'm tired of instability.
I'm tired of this.
This conversation.
This land of middle-ground.
I'm ready to move on...
be it backwards or forwards.
So when I call you next...
Answer.
It will be the last time you see my number on your caller ID.
It will be the last time I refer to you affectionately.
It will be the last time I lie to you.
Because it will be the last time I lie to myself.
After that call...
Everything will be over.
And I will no longer be tired.

Bliss

That time.
Of the hour.
Of the week.
Of the year.
That space.
In the back of the head.
Where no one goes.
And no one stays.
Sedated.
We are led.
Dragged.
Carried.
To and fro.
Although sometimes we wake up early when effects wear off.
Or we have leg spasms and are dropped.
But no matter what one does,
They must go.
The only variable is when and for how long.
Some pretend they are not there;
Though they are merely en route.
Or,
Even worse.
They are in denial of their location.
And while flames surround them,
Insist they are not in hell;
But a modest friendly bonfire.
They see with their eyes;
Hear with their ears;
Speak with their mouth;
Feel with the nerves of their skin;
And think with the lobes of their brain.
This is where they go wrong.
One must do all these things with their heart.
But they call me foolish.
They call me mad.
I call myself sane.
Because they are the blind, deaf, mute, & lame.
Not me.
Maybe if they did what I did,
they could see & feel enough,
to think enough,
to reason.
I have this ability to be aware of my surroundings.
That is not what makes me unsane.
The thing that makes me “crazy” is that I know;
And I have not the energy nor motivation to leave.
Because the simple fact causes me so much agony that my systems shut down.
So they are all proof:
Ignorance is bliss.
But if this is true,
then another phrase is equally as valid,
and therefore proven.
Knowledge is Pain.
Knowledge is Virtue.
Therefore Pain is Virtue.
I suffer in silence so they don’t have to join me.
They deserve bliss.
So let them be ignorant.

Mama’s Eyes

prompt for 75 minute free-write at 2008 UVM statewide writing competition

From her right to her left are three young men, descending in age, and in front of her is a man two years older than her. They sit out in the sun, letting their bodies complain for them, without their lips moving an inch.

But she hears all.

She hears in their breathing the words their hearts yearn to say.

The young man on her right, not above the age of 22 is the oldest of the three. He wants a way out. A way to get away from the life that he was promised--a life of 12 hour days for half the pay it takes to live a stable life. She hears his heart beating proudly as he dreams of the day he is out of the rut he was born into. He wants more; and he knows it's there because he can see it. But he's trying, trying with everything he has, to find a way to reach it.

To her left is the second oldest of the three boys. He is breathing calmly and, unlike the oldest, he's not looking for a way out. He, at age 18, has accepted the terms of his life and while he may not love every aspect of it, he knows his life is all he has and there's no use trying to escape it. He has looked, assessed the situation, and found that there is no more for him than what he has, and he's just going to deal with it.

To her far left is the youngest of the three young men. He is 16 years old and the most unhappy of the three. She can tell by his heavier, quicker, breathing that he is angry. Angry with the world for his conditions. He wants that which he sees other people have for himself. It's the Iago in him that screams silently from his chest that everyone else is happy and he isn't; mad that he has nothing and others do.

Then in front of her is a man. The elder of the group. At age 58, not much older than herself, his sounds are different. His breathing is steady, but slow and deep. He is tired. All his life he's known nothing but hard work. And that hard work has kept him alive and will keep doing so until the day he dies--from fatigue.

She hears all this without a word being spoken. What she sees is even more.

She sees the eyes of these four men are all the same color, but they all look different. She sees the oldest looking forward, deep into the distance, and the middle boy looking straight ahead at the house across the street, knowing the family over there is just like him. She sees the youngest boy looking down at the shoeless feet of his and the other boys, angry that the man has shoes. She sees the man looking to the left down the street he's walked every day to get to work for the past 36 years.

She sees all.

Then she looks and listens to herself--and she feels.

She feels the pains of all four males around her. She feels the joy of having brought these three boys into the world and calling them her sons. She feels joy in being behind the husband she has loved and supported for over 35 years. She feels joy at watching these four males being there with her. And she feels joy at her youngest and oldest sons leaning on the house she and her husband built from the ground up. She feels joy watching her middle son sit on the stoop of their house with his father.

But she feels sadness of the struggle that these men have had to face because she has had to face every one they have and feels all of their emotions, hopes, dreams, and fears all at once.

She feels all.

Yet she remains silent.

She is thinking, dreaming, hoping, praying, and cursing simultaneously and yet she silently stands tall, knowing that if she sits, leans, speaks, or falls, those around her will surely follow.

Giving Up

So...
hmm....
How should I put this?.....
Well...
Here Goes...


I Give Up.
I give up trying to get people who should already work to work.
I give up trying to get people who should already care to care.
I give up trying to get people who should already love to love.
I give up trying to get people to do what they already should do anyway.

I give up forcing myself to work for those who refuse to work with me and cooperate.
I give up making myself be respectful to those who have never treated me with the respect I give them and deserve.
I give up helping those who wouldn't help me if my life depended on it.
I give up loving those who say it, but dont act towards or treat me with love.
I Give Up.



Now Back to Reality.

No matter how much I tried,
I could never give up.
On anyone or anything
No matter what.
It's not something I do.
Or have ever done.
Though it would be easy.
It benefits none.
It's a simple fix.
That wears off quick.
All that it does
is start more shit.
It's just not something I do.
Nor have I ever done.
Because Giving Up just Hurts
Each and Everyone