What is Necessary?

You know, some days are really tough for no logical reason at all. Yesterday was one of those days. All the working Tuesday & Wednesday went so well! Great pace—even with plenty of hiccups & plan adjustments. And then yesterday happened. It would be easy to say we hadn’t gotten enough sleep or had too much to do. But truthfully, neither of those were true. It was just…exasperating. Every single little thing was hard for no reason. And the things that should have been difficult happened with ease all within 45 minutes. But everything else? Damn near painful. After it was clear several of us were struggling during check-ins at a community meeting I attended at 6:30pm, an elementary teacher who was present even led us in some breathing exercises. Then when we were asked, “how is everyone feeling after that?” someone I had spent the day with responded, “my goal isn’t to feel better because I just can’t take failing at anything else today.”

But you know what? When 11pm hit, we looked around to see that everything, somehow, had gotten done. Great food had been made & eaten. Dishes were done & spaces were clean. All the errands were finished in time. Scheduling for the next 2.5 months had been completed. Emotions were settled & even laughter was all around. The best part? We all got to sleep before midnight! Somehow, after an incredible day of ridiculous struggle—we arrived to the night whole & full.

Then this morning, all were rested & energized. And for the 1st time in a really long time, I began my leisure day with energy & peace. This, in spite of the fact that I woke up 10 minutes before I had to leave the house for my chiropractor appointment 20 minutes away.

And that gave me some perspective.

So often we wade through what feels like annoying, unfruitful, pointless struggle. And sometimes that’s true. But maybe whether a struggle is pointless isn’t actually about why it’s a struggle. It’s just dawned on me that maybe there’s more than two kinds of struggle. Maybe the idea of good struggle & bad (unnecessary) struggle leaves the valuation of some struggle invisible. And striving for only one or the other removes the possibility of unexpected fruit? Yesterday didn’t feel like good struggle—and yet our willingness to struggle rather than give up left us with meaningful progress that supported the full quality of my rest & everyone else’s labor today. Maybe it’s not as easy to determine whether a struggle is unnecessary as I’d always thought.

When I think about the past 4 days, I can’t help but make the connection to liberation work. Some days the struggle feels purposeful & fruitful. But just because it bears fruit, doesn’t necessarily mean it feels purposeful while we’re in it. And I’ve seen so many relationships & projects die because of that—because it feels “unnecessarily” difficult. I’ve been after when people have abandoned efforts & seen them come into miraculous abundance & discovery!

If we’re truly laboring to build a world we’ve never experienced except for in our dreams, how do we even know what “unnecessary” labor feels like? Our gauges of vital vs. vicious are set by global dominance & exploitation. Our minds & bodies have been socialized by a standard of suffering. So how can our judgements of what cultivates freedom be anything more than unskilled? How do we decide whether we ought to quit or keep pushing through any given struggle except from the other side? How do any of us know if something feels pointless because it doesn’t further our efforts of freedom or because it doesn’t strengthen our service of capitalism?

I think the honest answer is we don’t. I’ve been immersed in trying to figure that out for the last 5 years. Then there were all the unintentional part-time efforts for the 5 years before that. And I’m not sure I have any more of an answer now than I did when I started out.

These days I’ve learned not to interpret easy as right or difficult as best. Just as I’ve learned happiness is no better an indicator of wholeness than brooding is. Declaring something as “different” is not a valuation—it’s an assertion. And “worth it” will always be an estimate.

When I started out, I wanted to release every unnecessary struggle to focus on the ones that were important. But when it comes to figuring out which struggles are progressive & which aren’t, I think it’s time to consider a change in approach:

My goal isn’t to only be committed to “good” struggle anymore, because I’m not interested in failing at anything else right now. And maybe, somehow, after an incredible life of ridiculous struggle—I’ll arrive to the night whole & full.

Multi-ethnic Jesus

Can I talk a moment to be transparent? Thanks y’all.

I’m, frankly, tired. Due to where I live, my identity as a person of color must be muted, rather than exemplified, when it comes to practicing my faith. It frustrates and saddens me that to wear my “Black Lives Matter” shirt into my church would be “asking for trouble.”

Now we all know that there are times and places where we, regularly, have to mute certain things. For example: Bringing up politics at work isn’t typically recommended. And certain industries require a level of temperance from those who might be a bit more rambunctious by nature. So I’m not being naïve and saying that my “full self” should be on display everywhere I go. But what I am saying is that when I walk into my church, I put every part of me through a sifter—ensuring that none of the pieces that make me “different” are too large or loud. And I am exhausted.

The problem is: What’s the alternative?

You see, I live in northwestern Vermont. And while I live in the most diverse county in the state, the state-wide population is still at least 90% white. It always has been, but lately it’s looking more and more like it won’t always be, as each year the amount of diversity flooding one of the healthiest, whitest, and safest states in the Union is increasing exponentially. Known to many as “where Bernie Sanders is from,” there’s not really a lot going on here, besides, well, an influx of brown people. And on paper, that’s working out great! Vermont law-makers are known to be “progressive” and “inclusive.” I mean, the state that took on Monsanto must be forward-thinking, right? Of course. Vermont is, technically, forward thinking in a lot of ways. But unfortunately, our forward-“thoughts” are often more forward-“ideas” that aren’t rooted in experience or practice. They aren’t the result of community interaction, but rather external observations. So, while we say “all are welcome,” what is lived is “come and be like us.” And because it is assumed that this inclusive mentality is just as strong in reality as it is on paper, the idea of “training” on the topic is seen as an insult. It’s astonishing just how often I’ve heard that “Hate doesn’t grow in the rocky soil of Vermont.” That “racism doesn’t exist here.” Or, best of all, “All lives matter here.”

Now please don’t misunderstand me, if all of these things were actually true, I would be singing an entirely different tune. But the greatest danger here is that the words are out in full force, but the actions and reality don’t match. A part of the reason we’re in this predicament is because, from the perspective of thousands of well-meaning white people, the statements above are completely true based on their experiences. The issue, however, is that the experiences of every single person of color over the age of 10 stands in direct conflict with those perspectives.

Yes, I said the age of 10. That was not a typo. The struggle is real.

Church, for me, has always been something I’ve desired to be a safe space. In fact, over the course of history, places of worship have usually gone into the “safe space” territory. And growing up, my faith was always a central part of my culture. But, as a millennial woman of color, the contemporary, white church that I grew up loving (not the exact same church, but a similar one) has become more of a “space,” where I’m allowed and welcomed, but my “blackness” is tolerated, not embraced. Rather than being a place of refuge where I can find freedom, it is, most days, a place where I can worship as long as I crucify my “flesh.” Again, please don’t misunderstand—I have a deep appreciation for the call to holiness and sacrificing my desires for will of God. But at what point do we acknowledge that all things culture-based are not displeasing to God? At what point do we recognize that somewhere along the way we’ve lumped in ethnicity that is “different from our own” in with the poor & lowly? As something to be “improved upon?” As something that “we just don’t do here?” If the Spirit of God dwells here, then how can there be limits on what “we do?” Shouldn’t there only be the tearing down of boxes that we put His manifestation in, not reinforcement of their borders?

There is nothing more diverse and inclusive than the Holy-Spirit. He is all things to all people. And as you travel the world and begin to see His Presence through a wider lens, the manifestation of His Spirit is more of a technicolor dream coat than a robe of pure white. After all, isn’t the grafting in of other nations a big part of the reason Jesus (Yeshua) came? So that those who weren’t the biological descendants of Abram could become a part of the lineage of Abraham? And in what’s now know as the Great Commission, Jesus said to “make disciples of all nations,” which is to help the people learn of [him], believe in [Him], and obey [His] words. He didn’t say to help the people learn English, sing songs with these chord progressions, and only talk about these topics & rejoice in this way so that the people who have been here a long time can remain comfortable. When Jesus instructed the disciples to drop their nets and “Follow Me,” I don’t recall him asking them to also, “stop speaking your native tongue.” In fact, on the day of Pentecost, which is arguably one of the most glorious outpourings of Holy Spirit in the Anno Domini church, the members of the body all began to speak in other languages! I think here it’s important to note that what it didn’t do was allow all people to speak one language. What that tells me about the Holy Spirit is that it takes the path of flourishing diversity to achieve unity, not the path of assimilation.

So when I enter a church that I call my home, whose congregation is becoming increasingly sprinkled with people of color, and the inclusion of my (our) culture is an afterthought rather than a priority—an uphill battle rather than an exciting step of development, I am tired. When the leadership sees diversity training as optional or not a priority because “we’re all the same in Christ,” I am concerned because while Christ might make us pure in the eyes of God, He doesn’t make us all white. I am tired because church is all fine and well, as long as I come with my quiet, reserved, minimized face on so that no one is intimidated or uncomfortable or offended.

But sometimes, I just want to come as me--all of me.

Be Intentional

This week I celebrated my birthday--25th to be specific. So it seemed to me the perfect moment to pause.

I know it's common for people to get reflective around the beginning of a new year.

And I'm no exception. But January doesn't do much for me. For me, my "Man in the Mirror," moment always happens right around my birthday--my personal new year.

I believe there's power in that.

Like any other garden, pruning and weeding are an important part of the process, and if it's not done regularly, growth is not only minimized, but health of the overall crop is often impacted negatively.

And I think it's fair to relate a life to a garden, and not just because it involves constant attention. Like a well-planned and maintained garden, its quality is measured by multiple rubrics of value. You see, the part of a garden filled with tomatoes, corn, and zuchinni might not be as visually attractive to everyone as one filled with orchids, tulips, and lilies, but it is just as valuable (and difficult to maintain). Life needs both beauty and utility to have balanced worth. After all, what is a house on a hill if you can't throw a party in it?

If we're not constantly reassessing the things that are impacting our environments and wellbeing--including what we do and do not allow of ourselves and those we deem colleagues, then we run the risk of self-sabotaging our character via neglect. I don't claim to speak for anyone else, but I've found my most important and life-changing decisions have happened right around my "New Year." I also have yet to regret a single one of them. And I have a theory for why that is. You see, I'm a big "goal-person". Whether I achieve them or not, I'm always working towards goals based on the overall vision I have for my future. That way, when I make plans or important decisions, I have something to check them against to see if they're in my best interest for now, later, or never. But as much as I would love to be able to say that happens every time, I can't. However, as my year winds down, I re-evaluate things, which causes me to take another look at my plans, see if they're moving me towards my goals, and re-adjust accordingly.

There is a prayer in the Book of Psalms in the Bible found in the 90th Chapter where Moses is asking God to "Teach us to number our days carefully so that we may develop wisdom in our hearts." (Ps. 90:12). And I do believe a mindset like that is important, because it speaks to remaining focused on ultimate goals to keep from being lost in and bogged down by immediate ones. Not getting caught up in monotony, but remembering the greater purpose within each day's labor. Perspective does wonders for progress, and without it, it becomes easy to forget that the ultimate goal of tilling soil isn't to plant a seed of grain, or even grow a garden--but to feed a family.

Now I can't say for certain I know what the future holds, or even who I will be 10 years from now. But this I know for sure: it will be intentionally crafted with care. Life is not an accident. So while I can't control every piece of it, I refuse to let it "just happen." My journey is not one of happenstance. I was created with purpose (and so were you for that matter).

So I'd like to encourage you--be vigilant in your self-development on all fronts. Because the most fruitful (non-GMO) gardens have always had the most tending.

The Beginning

Hey there!

Hola.

Welcome.

Hi.

Okay, so truth moment? I'm a bit nervous (I'm sure you couldn't tell). Starting something new is always so exciting. Until you actually go to start it. Then it somehow morphs into that daunting, terrifying, first text that you type 12 times, then delete, before finally sending a simple, "Hey." There's so much you want to say, but nothing seems quite right. And try as you might you can't find a beginning that rises above merely adequate. That's about where I am. So now that that's out of the way, let's chat.

Full disclosure: this isn't my first blog...well, technically anyway. Back in January of 2009 a friend of mine suggested I start a tumblr. Now, this was back in the days where no one really knew what tumblr was. So, somewhat apprehensively, I did. To be honest, I don't even remember what my first url was. But by that Spring, it had been changed to what it remains today: theinnerkat--Kat's Inner Monologue. And being a tumblog rather than a dedicated word blog, it basically was just that. My blog became me, on "paper." Looking back, I'm so grateful for that blog. Not only was it an amazing outlet for me during my coming of age, but having that incredibly clear window through which to see my own transformation and development into the woman I chose to become is truly a gift. You see, journals never worked for me. I can't pinpoint exactly why, because I'm totally the kind of person who would journal. But they never stuck. Blogging though--it's like it was always there when I needed it, without requirement or expectation. And before Facebook had timelines, I would spend my internet scrolling hours catching up on my tumblr Dashboard. That's right, I read every single post by every single person I followed. Because before tumblr was only about memes, it was about community.

I say all of that to say, this isn't my first rodeo--but it is my first time riding this particular bull. With that being said, I want to set up some expectations for what this blog will be. A sort of vision statement (aka warning), if you will. So here we go. *Ahem*

• Content quality is super important to me, so you will not read about the Kardashians' latest shenanigans or Drake's latest music video. This may fall into the category of "lifestyle" blog, but not "lifestyles of the rich & famous."

• I'm a big thinker, so I can assure you there will be lots of ideology talk here. But not in a pretentious, "discuss for discussion's sake," way. More in a "this is how I feel about the way this particular situation is affecting my community at large and I need a safe soundboard to attempt to clear up my thoughts before I implode," kind of way.

• As a lifelong reader and learner, I don't always use complete sentences, but sometimes I use run-ons. I'm fully aware of my deviation from formal grammatical standards. And I'm totally okay with that. I hope you can be too.

• There will only be truth here. Prose, theory, ideology discussion, and opinions--but no fiction or falsehood. This will not be that forum.

Note to Reader (and Self): I am officially releasing myself from any further expectations in this space. While I do desire for someone to find inspiration or encouragement in the pages/posts to come, I don't need the whole world to. And I don't believe that being bound by pretense or expectations will help anyone get anything good from this experience--including myself. My hope here is that with some divine intervention, a bit of consistency, and a dash of perspective, just maybe the resulting storyboard will offer a tale worth telling. But this is not an obligation; it's a journey. One that I truly believe will be worth the ride.

Thanks for tagging along,

<3 K. Marie