What is Necessary?

You know, some days are really tough for no logical reason at all. Yesterday was one of those days. All the working Tuesday & Wednesday went so well! Great pace—even with plenty of hiccups & plan adjustments. And then yesterday happened. It would be easy to say we hadn’t gotten enough sleep or had too much to do. But truthfully, neither of those were true. It was just…exasperating. Every single little thing was hard for no reason. And the things that should have been difficult happened with ease all within 45 minutes. But everything else? Damn near painful. After it was clear several of us were struggling during check-ins at a community meeting I attended at 6:30pm, an elementary teacher who was present even led us in some breathing exercises. Then when we were asked, “how is everyone feeling after that?” someone I had spent the day with responded, “my goal isn’t to feel better because I just can’t take failing at anything else today.”

But you know what? When 11pm hit, we looked around to see that everything, somehow, had gotten done. Great food had been made & eaten. Dishes were done & spaces were clean. All the errands were finished in time. Scheduling for the next 2.5 months had been completed. Emotions were settled & even laughter was all around. The best part? We all got to sleep before midnight! Somehow, after an incredible day of ridiculous struggle—we arrived to the night whole & full.

Then this morning, all were rested & energized. And for the 1st time in a really long time, I began my leisure day with energy & peace. This, in spite of the fact that I woke up 10 minutes before I had to leave the house for my chiropractor appointment 20 minutes away.

And that gave me some perspective.

So often we wade through what feels like annoying, unfruitful, pointless struggle. And sometimes that’s true. But maybe whether a struggle is pointless isn’t actually about why it’s a struggle. It’s just dawned on me that maybe there’s more than two kinds of struggle. Maybe the idea of good struggle & bad (unnecessary) struggle leaves the valuation of some struggle invisible. And striving for only one or the other removes the possibility of unexpected fruit? Yesterday didn’t feel like good struggle—and yet our willingness to struggle rather than give up left us with meaningful progress that supported the full quality of my rest & everyone else’s labor today. Maybe it’s not as easy to determine whether a struggle is unnecessary as I’d always thought.

When I think about the past 4 days, I can’t help but make the connection to liberation work. Some days the struggle feels purposeful & fruitful. But just because it bears fruit, doesn’t necessarily mean it feels purposeful while we’re in it. And I’ve seen so many relationships & projects die because of that—because it feels “unnecessarily” difficult. I’ve been after when people have abandoned efforts & seen them come into miraculous abundance & discovery!

If we’re truly laboring to build a world we’ve never experienced except for in our dreams, how do we even know what “unnecessary” labor feels like? Our gauges of vital vs. vicious are set by global dominance & exploitation. Our minds & bodies have been socialized by a standard of suffering. So how can our judgements of what cultivates freedom be anything more than unskilled? How do we decide whether we ought to quit or keep pushing through any given struggle except from the other side? How do any of us know if something feels pointless because it doesn’t further our efforts of freedom or because it doesn’t strengthen our service of capitalism?

I think the honest answer is we don’t. I’ve been immersed in trying to figure that out for the last 5 years. Then there were all the unintentional part-time efforts for the 5 years before that. And I’m not sure I have any more of an answer now than I did when I started out.

These days I’ve learned not to interpret easy as right or difficult as best. Just as I’ve learned happiness is no better an indicator of wholeness than brooding is. Declaring something as “different” is not a valuation—it’s an assertion. And “worth it” will always be an estimate.

When I started out, I wanted to release every unnecessary struggle to focus on the ones that were important. But when it comes to figuring out which struggles are progressive & which aren’t, I think it’s time to consider a change in approach:

My goal isn’t to only be committed to “good” struggle anymore, because I’m not interested in failing at anything else right now. And maybe, somehow, after an incredible life of ridiculous struggle—I’ll arrive to the night whole & full.

Holding…On

I wrote this about a week ago (Feb 7th) in a group thread where we all share our biggest struggles & how we’d like to be responded to. It took awhile to share here. But here goes.

Mmk. My turn! So mine comes with a photo-essay. 🙃😔

After 2 months of full court battle things have finally stabilized. The 4 of us in the core of have all turned the last major corner. There's still a lot to be done, but the triage is complete & there are clear, viable paths forward. The emails & messages of hate, distrust, & betrayal have more or less stopped. The barrage of “how are you doing's” & “how can I help’s” have ceded—which means far less navigation of who is asking out of loyalty & cadre support or investigation to utilize against me. And for that I'm grateful.

Now that most everyone has gone back to their regularly scheduled program, I'm finally able to catch my breath. The adrenaline has done its job. I'm finally not in crisis—which is so great & what has made it possible to release so much crippling anxiety & fear over the last week or so. Plans & paths of operation are ready to be chosen & followed. It's beautiful.

And.

Now I’m able to feel the actual restrictions to my chest & weight on my breath. Now I can actually feel the exhaustion that I've survived & the blood dripping from cauterized wounds & bruises. Before when I said, “I'm not okay,” it's because I couldn't feel anything. Now it's because I can. It's frustrating to me that it's taking so much time, energy, & capacity to move through this season…and yet it doesn't feel like I can really do anything about that.

At the end of last week I was so overwhelmed I was metaphorically paralyzed. Now that the fire had been safely suppressed, there were seemingly a million questions I needed to make decisions on before taking another step. So at a dear friend’s suggestion, I said them out loud. 40 Questions, 7 Confessions, & 13 “What if’s” later, the reason for my overwhelm became clear: I am going into this new beginning not with the excitement of starting to build something, or even the energy of a fresh project, but absolutely exhausted.

I'm so tired y'all. So damn tired. When everyone else goes home & back to their “other” worlds & spaces, this has come home with me every single day. When everyone else goes home, it’s just me & it hanging out in my living room & kitchen. And now that my sensitivity is returning I can feel it too. I don't have any more thoughts for it—just feelings in my body now. All I want to do is lay down & not get up. Not to eat, not to watch TV, not to go for a walk. And I'm pretty sure the only reason I've done any of that is because a friend has been here staying over with me on Tuesdays - Thursdays each week. Now I don't even want to do that. As things are expected to start ramping up, I feel like I need to power down. But I know from previous seasons of therapy that I don't actually do well when I power down—it only makes things worse: it's like a car during a snow storm—if you ever fully stop, there's a good chance you won't get moving again without serious injury. Even changing lanes is dicey.

This space is more important to me than it's ever been before because it's keeping me from getting dragged into the vortex of the neoliberal leanings that came with this project. And as you've probably gathered from my falling asleep in meetings, I'm so tired.

As I was talking to one of the other 3 in the core of this last week, a new knowledge began to settle for me. So here it goes. Imagine an explosion (like an IED for example).

There are those who felt the ground shake & had concern, many of whom gave great commentary on CNN about what they saw of the incident, speculations & “eye-witness” accounts tangled up with reporters doing all they could to get some photos.

Then there are those who were thrown back by the blast—some of whom may have been hit with shrapnel. Most of those folks will have trips to the hospital or urgent care in their immediate future. Many may even need some recover time from surgeries or whatnot.

Then there are the people who had their feet on the IED when it went off. And the people who were holding their hand as they were jumping off. Those people lose limbs. Those people all have forever injuries to the point that nothing about their body's movement will ever be the same. Even after years of PT, a prosthetic hand will never grip things the same. Those people will likely live the rest of their lives with night terrors.

And that last group is the category I'm in. Only a lot of people are also convinced I helped plant the IED in the 1st place, or at least helped disguise it so others couldn't tell where it was.

There's not really a solution or a direct ask here, except maybe to continue holding me with grace? Please don't give me a pass on things, but confront me with gentleness maybe? Cut me off if I'm talking too much because stress gets me rambling. Please don't try to make me comfortable, or give me what I want because you feel bad. Refrain from pity but do try to remember compassion through this long haul struggle. Because it's not going away or just “for awhile.” But consciousness feels really critical right now, and I cannot imagine anything worse than people making decisions or doing things they felt emotionally manipulated into doing.

With deep love & trust,

K. Marie

A Dream Revived

Dream Again

Can you go back to your childhood, and dare to dream again?

When your daddy asked what you wanna be, do you remember what you said?

Did you wanna go to the moon, and live within the stars?

Did you wanna dance in front of millions, and captivate their hearts?

If you could pick anything, what would you be?

Can you find your imagination, and set the captive free?

Dare to dream--again.

Dare to leap--again.

Dare to reach--again.

Dare to be, again.

Do you recall when you were 10, and your momma lost her job.

When you found out nothing was for sure.

And sometimes good people fall.

It pulled you out of your daydream

And into reality.

That was the first time you put limits on what could be.

That day you got home late from work, and grabbed the mail on your way in.

And you found that letter from the school you applied early decision.

Your first choice & your papa's almamater--you were sure of your reply.

But when you opened up that letter, it said you were denied.

It felt like your life ended that moment.

All your plans could never be.

But don't you know there are so many paths from here to your destiny?

Remember when your boss called you into her office

And said they had to let you go.

Or when you got down on one knee

And your girlfriend told you, "no?"

Just because it doesn't go your way, doesn't mean it isn't right.

Darkness doesn't last always--and neither does the night.

People & Pain

"I'm not going to be light-skinned anymore."

Probably the last words I expected to hear walking down the halls of a middle school in rural Milton, Vermont. And yet--they managed to be some of the first yesterday morning.

In a place where the minority population equates to about 5 non-white children per grade (there's been a lot of growth over the last 8 years), the light-skinned/dark-skinned fight is not something I anticipated finding traces of. But here they are, sticky and not exactly sweet. It would be easy for me to make this about race, but that's not what's nagging at the nape of my neck today. The simple fact is: Where there are teenagers, there will be the pain of self-disdain--accompanied by obscenely unnecessary amounts of poorly-blended makeup & Axe body spray. But what bothers me today is that so many of those teenage girls & boys become 50 year old men &women who can't seem to stop apologizing for and attempting to blot out who they are. At what point do we finally realize that we don't have to atone for being human? That having flaws, feelings, & fears is not only acceptable, but a huge part of what makes our lives and experiences unique.

In today's society, it's a challenge not to buy into the popular notion that we must be the definition of "flawless." So no scars. No tears. No weakness allowed. But where does that get us?

This just in:

Failing at an endeavor does not make you a failure.

Perfection and perfectly you are not the same thing.

Emotions serve a purpose.

No one has the qualifications or authority to appraise your life besides you.

So many times in our lives we perpetuate the false truth that falling short of perfection is a reason to be coated in shame. But no matter how many times I hear it--even from my own lips, I refuse to believe it. If for no other reason than the fact that it's just not true. I mean yes, it's a conscious choice--to not agree with the affirmations. And it's one I have to make. Because coating something in shame is like coating it in silver. It draws all the attention from the item itself to its shiny coating, but stops allowing it to move forward. It freezes it in time so it can no longer grow or develop. And then it rusts.

Now I don't know about you, but I have no desire to be a rusty, underdeveloped thing people look at as a discussion piece, but remain unable to engage.

I'm a person, and as much as I come with creativity, beauty, & joy, I also come with pain.

I, Too, Am America

In my lifetime I’ve seen planes fly into multiple major national buildings.

I’ve seen wars launched discreetly and indiscreetly.

I’ve seen communities unite like never before only to turn on themselves again with paralleled fervor.

I’ve seen schools, churches, playgrounds, & hospitals become home to gunfire.

I’ve seen riots over painful mishandlings of power and poor executions of justice.

I’ve seen churches burned to the ground.

And that’s only in my country.

I am a part of a generation who’s either grown up too quickly or not at all.

I’ve experienced felt terror at levels that are numbing and remained standing.

I’ve witnessed every odd stacked against me and found hope to hold onto.

And as a lower middle-class, multi-racial, female, millennial adult, I’d like to have it noted that I, too, am America.

Darkness or Night

God is in the day as much as He is in the night. Yet He is light, but allows the devil to be the prince of darkness.

What does that tell us about Him?

That even in the places where it appears satan has all power, God is still in control.

He allows darkness to come, but He still remains Sovereign over the Universe.

See, in the darkest of night, it only takes a single lamp to light up a room. But during the day, it requires a great deal of work to create darkness.

Create–because you will not “find” it anywhere.

Though, at midnight, you can stumble upon the moon reflected in a lake & see brightness, at noon, even the darkest caves must be closed off and traveled through to find true darkness.

Look at what we learn about the wonderful greatness of God just by looking at the human body.

When it’s dark, your eyes yearn for light–that’s why they’re so sensitive to the tiniest shimmer. But when it’s light, have you ever found yourself naturally seeking out a shadow?

The same is true of the human spirit. It yearns for light! But just as harsh as it is to turn the lights up to bright after a long movie, so does it cause a knee-jerk reaction in the spirit. It takes a moment that sometimes causes you to wish someone would just turn the lights back off. But after a bit of adjustment to the light, you realize that it no longer hurts when you try to see–and you can see much clearer.

Which brings up another interesting point.

Being in darkness discourages you from trying to see. When it’s dark, you can’t keep your eyes open for as long because it hurts after a bit. In fact, trying to read without proper light is actually harmful to your eyes’ long term health. And artificial light such as computer screens can bring about headaches and even nausea.

But sunlight, on the other hand, is a total different ballgame. Sunlight not only encourages opening your eyes, but provides the perfect light to see with & has the capability of alleviating depression and providing energy to all living (and, through science, all nonliving) things!

How could it ever be believed that light a) doesn’t cast out darkness & b) isn’t preferable to darkness?

And while it may be cooler in the dark, it’s always going to be safer in the light

Storms of Life

As I look through my FB news feed, I find myself wondering if I’m the only one feeling joyful & encouraged by this storm.

Why are those who claim to know & love God growing worried by the forecast & predictions of those whose insight is so limited they can only tell us of a brewing storm when it is directly upon us? For aren’t the sight & the hand of God far greater than that of a weatherman?

Many times in my walk with Christ I have listened to people tell me that my things, even my very being, would be completely & utterly destroyed. Many times has a storm come over me so deeply that I nearly forgot what the sun felt like. But each & every time God kept me safe. The very name of the Lord is a strong tower that the righteous can always run into for safety. Why do we somehow feel that if God can protect us from things we can’t see, heal us from terminal sicknesses, & keep us safe when the enemy directly comes to attack us, that he’s going to let the rain & the water, which CAN ONLY come from Him, destroy us to a place from which we cannot, with Him, recover. “A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all; he protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken.” ~Psalm 34:19-20. Have we forgotten this?

The part that causes my spirit to rejoice is the fact that due to my spiritual walk with God, I have been in this place before. Because of this I understand what generally happens when God allows a storm to come over, though not overcome, His anointed. I have been in the eye of a storm wondering to myself, “Why God, why did you allow this storm to come? It’s so heavy! It’s causing so much destruction! It’s causing so much loss & pain!” I’ve said to God with confusion in my voice, “I don’t understand! You said all things work together for the good of those that love you, but I don’t see how all of these plagues & problems could be good.” And during that time, typically what happens is that God reminds me that I know nothing of what is & is not good for me. At that point I have what many would call “A Job moment,” where I, in my finite knowledge cannot comprehend why what’s going on around me is going on. (In this day & age many find themselves at that place by merely turning on the television or reading the newspaper.) See God brings back to my remembrance the simple fact that I was nowhere to be found when He was separating the sky from the water from the Earth, which causes me to realize that my vantage point is rather limited. Just as a 3 year old child does not understand why they must eat the carrots & green things on their plate before they have a piece of the German Chocolate cake their mother made for dinner, neither do we often understand why things are not looking the way we want them to look or occur in the order that we want them to. But just as a parent has a much more vast knowledge of how the body works than their young child does, so does God have much more insight into my situation than I ever could. See a mother knows that if her child eats the cake 1st, their bodies will want to just keep eating because it’s sweet & won’t get any of the nutrients it needs to keep functioning normally the next day, but would instead end up with a stomach ache. In the same fashion God knows that there are some things we need worked in us so we can function properly the next day…and these things rarely taste as sweet as German chocolate cake. But the Bible does declare that He is the Alpha *and* the Omega, meaning He not only knows about, but *IS* the beginning and the end, and because we know God does all things decently and in order, it goes without saying that if He is the beginning & the end, He is most certainly the middle as well. I’ll give a couple of you reading that a minute just to take in what I just said. If God IS the beginning *and* the end, then He is also the middle. Just because you are visually surrounded by light when at the entrance & exit of a tunnel, does not mean that God is any less with you while you’re going through it! Just because we cannot, as we look out our windows in this moment, see that light shining down on us does not mean God has left our homes! Often times, we, as believers, find ourselves having issues making it through the storms because we forget about what happened after the Lord flooded the Earth. We forget what happened when, after the 40 days & 40 nights, dry land was found again. We forget the rainbow. We forget all of God’s promises because we get caught up in the sound of the wind banging against our windows & the sight of the rain beating down mercilessly as the darkness engulfs the land. We focus our eyes on the water level we see rising. We keep looking at the darkness which surrounds us, and, taking up the way of the world & the unholy, we allow that darkness to fill our minds & take control of all of our thoughts as opposed to proceeding Biblically & lifting our eyes towards the hills from whence cometh our help and recognizing that, though we may not always see our help, we do know where it comes from, and that it is, in fact, coming. Even though I can’t always see the sun, oh, the one thing I do know for sure is that it will in fact rise in the east again tomorrow. Though my tears may flow like rain from my soul for a night, joy will certainly come in the morning!

But you know, the one thing that trips me up about believers is that they are very quick to sing about how, “trouble won’t last always.” They get so caught up in getting out of their storm that they don’t realize that there is purpose IN the storm itself! Sometimes we get so quick to get out of a storm that we don’t take the time to remember that God is the very one who controls the winds & the clouds. No raindrop can fall without His consent. And if we read our Bibles we know that God does nothing for no reason. Nothing is wasted, nothing is lost. During this time of seemingly endless rain, I am reminded that it was a fountain which was opened to the house of David & the people of Jerusalem for the purpose of cleansing them from sin & impurity. I am reminded of the wickedness that inhabited the Earth during the days that Noah lived. And I do realize that when God does a thing, there is always a purpose.

Remember I said I was encouraged? Well I’m about to let you in on why….see as I look around at trees being uprooted & phone poles being knocked out, and in some cases, whole homes being destroyed, I do recall that in the times of Israel’s disobedience, even they, the most beloved of God, had their city destroyed–by God Himself. At that time the Lord Almighty declared that the tops of the pillars would be struck so the thresholds shook. It was He who called for the waters of the sea & poured them out over the face of the land. But if we finish reading the very end of the book of Amos, we get to that promise….that promise that God said He would, “restore David’s fallen shelter,” & “repair its broken walls & restore its ruins,” and even that He would, “rebuild it as it used to be, so that they may posses the remnant of Edom & all the nations that bore [His] name.” And how many people know that when God rebuilds a thing, it is -always- greater than the former. My God, even when Job had everything taken away from Him, when God restored his life, Job ended up with far more than he could have obtained on his own. But in order for a new home to be built, the first one must be torn down. And so even as destruction is predicted into my future by every weatherman in the country, my household is saturated in peace & joy. Why? Because I know that God said that even though my afflictions may be many in number He would protect my bones & that none would be broken. God said that though the flood may come, He would erect a standard against it. Now whose report will you believe?

See in Isaiah 55:11 God said that His Word would NEVER return unto Him void, but would rather accomplish what He desired and achieve the purpose for which He sent it. So if God promised that all things work together for the good of those that love Him, and you truly love Him, then where exactly do you get the idea that the Lord, your God, is allowing a storm to occur in your life which does not work out for your good?? Nowhere in scripture have I found a place where God said that storms would never come in your life if you were in the will of God. On the contrary, the Bible tells us that the rain falls & the sun shines on the just & the unjust alike. In fact, it even warns us that many are the afflictions of the righteous! Peter encourages the people of God not to be surprised when they are afflicted as though it is something strange or weird. But He did say He would keep us. He did say that the people of God would reap their harvest in due season if they fainted not.

Remember I said before that this place was not one that was unfamiliar to me? That I’d experienced these storms sent by God before? Well, what always happens, each & every time, without fail, is that when the mission of the storm is accomplished, it ends. When God finished wiping out what needs to be wiped out & cleans those things which are filthy with His purifying waters, the rain stops, the darkness gives way to sunshine & you open your eyes to discover that you (and often your life) have never been cleaner. You discover that never has your vision been clearer. Once you come out of the storm you find that your world has never had as much peace & never have your blessings been so great! See if you just allow God to do what He’s doing, and stop fighting it, then the process is much quicker. And if you take the moment to recognize the situation for what it is–another storm sent by God to work something out in you, you might even begin to praise Him at the first sign of rain because you know what rain means. See many have claimed that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing & expecting a different result. By that definition, I’m pretty sure I’d qualify the devil as legally insane. Because I can look at my walk with Christ, as well as the walks of all those included in the 66 books of the Bible and see an overwhelmingly recurring pattern. First comes storms, then comes blessings. And I do know the devil has seen far more walks than I have, but I look at that which I have seen, in my minute 20 years of life, and don’t need further convincing. If I see a storm, I don’t have to think about it or try to figure it out, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I just let God do what He’s doing, then when it stops raining, I’m going to receive more blessings than I’ll have room enough to receive!! *That,* as those who have seen me doing it will understand, is why I begin to shout the moment I feel the pressure of the crushing. *That* is why I praise God when I’ve been in a storm so long I feel like I physically can’t take another rain drop. Because I rest myself purely on His promises, understanding that He’s not a man that He should lie, neither the son of man, that He should repent. He does not speak & not act! He doesn’t promise & not fulfill!!! So if I find myself in a storm I praise God because I know that not only is He going to wash away all the things I don’t need, but He’s going to cleanse that which He allows to remain, AND nothing I need will be broken in the process!! Isn’t that what many of us cry out for most of our lives?!?

So as this Irene chaos advances in its approach to my door, I’m going to handle it the same way I handle every other storm that God has ever allowed me to go through with the same mindset that the Bible tells me to handle it with. I’m going to have joy when the world instructs me to fear & have peace when the world tells me to panic. I’m going to do all I can to keep myself safe & then I’m going to hold onto the same God who keeps me from getting hit by a car or struck with disease for safety, with the knowledge that as long as I’m in His will, God is not going to allow any of my bones to be broken.

So it is in the spiritual, it is in the natural.

Come on saints of the Most High, The True & Living God….let not your faith stop & start at the doors of the church.