Multi-ethnic Jesus

Can I talk a moment to be transparent? Thanks y’all.

I’m, frankly, tired. Due to where I live, my identity as a person of color must be muted, rather than exemplified, when it comes to practicing my faith. It frustrates and saddens me that to wear my “Black Lives Matter” shirt into my church would be “asking for trouble.”

Now we all know that there are times and places where we, regularly, have to mute certain things. For example: Bringing up politics at work isn’t typically recommended. And certain industries require a level of temperance from those who might be a bit more rambunctious by nature. So I’m not being naïve and saying that my “full self” should be on display everywhere I go. But what I am saying is that when I walk into my church, I put every part of me through a sifter—ensuring that none of the pieces that make me “different” are too large or loud. And I am exhausted.

The problem is: What’s the alternative?

You see, I live in northwestern Vermont. And while I live in the most diverse county in the state, the state-wide population is still at least 90% white. It always has been, but lately it’s looking more and more like it won’t always be, as each year the amount of diversity flooding one of the healthiest, whitest, and safest states in the Union is increasing exponentially. Known to many as “where Bernie Sanders is from,” there’s not really a lot going on here, besides, well, an influx of brown people. And on paper, that’s working out great! Vermont law-makers are known to be “progressive” and “inclusive.” I mean, the state that took on Monsanto must be forward-thinking, right? Of course. Vermont is, technically, forward thinking in a lot of ways. But unfortunately, our forward-“thoughts” are often more forward-“ideas” that aren’t rooted in experience or practice. They aren’t the result of community interaction, but rather external observations. So, while we say “all are welcome,” what is lived is “come and be like us.” And because it is assumed that this inclusive mentality is just as strong in reality as it is on paper, the idea of “training” on the topic is seen as an insult. It’s astonishing just how often I’ve heard that “Hate doesn’t grow in the rocky soil of Vermont.” That “racism doesn’t exist here.” Or, best of all, “All lives matter here.”

Now please don’t misunderstand me, if all of these things were actually true, I would be singing an entirely different tune. But the greatest danger here is that the words are out in full force, but the actions and reality don’t match. A part of the reason we’re in this predicament is because, from the perspective of thousands of well-meaning white people, the statements above are completely true based on their experiences. The issue, however, is that the experiences of every single person of color over the age of 10 stands in direct conflict with those perspectives.

Yes, I said the age of 10. That was not a typo. The struggle is real.

Church, for me, has always been something I’ve desired to be a safe space. In fact, over the course of history, places of worship have usually gone into the “safe space” territory. And growing up, my faith was always a central part of my culture. But, as a millennial woman of color, the contemporary, white church that I grew up loving (not the exact same church, but a similar one) has become more of a “space,” where I’m allowed and welcomed, but my “blackness” is tolerated, not embraced. Rather than being a place of refuge where I can find freedom, it is, most days, a place where I can worship as long as I crucify my “flesh.” Again, please don’t misunderstand—I have a deep appreciation for the call to holiness and sacrificing my desires for will of God. But at what point do we acknowledge that all things culture-based are not displeasing to God? At what point do we recognize that somewhere along the way we’ve lumped in ethnicity that is “different from our own” in with the poor & lowly? As something to be “improved upon?” As something that “we just don’t do here?” If the Spirit of God dwells here, then how can there be limits on what “we do?” Shouldn’t there only be the tearing down of boxes that we put His manifestation in, not reinforcement of their borders?

There is nothing more diverse and inclusive than the Holy-Spirit. He is all things to all people. And as you travel the world and begin to see His Presence through a wider lens, the manifestation of His Spirit is more of a technicolor dream coat than a robe of pure white. After all, isn’t the grafting in of other nations a big part of the reason Jesus (Yeshua) came? So that those who weren’t the biological descendants of Abram could become a part of the lineage of Abraham? And in what’s now know as the Great Commission, Jesus said to “make disciples of all nations,” which is to help the people learn of [him], believe in [Him], and obey [His] words. He didn’t say to help the people learn English, sing songs with these chord progressions, and only talk about these topics & rejoice in this way so that the people who have been here a long time can remain comfortable. When Jesus instructed the disciples to drop their nets and “Follow Me,” I don’t recall him asking them to also, “stop speaking your native tongue.” In fact, on the day of Pentecost, which is arguably one of the most glorious outpourings of Holy Spirit in the Anno Domini church, the members of the body all began to speak in other languages! I think here it’s important to note that what it didn’t do was allow all people to speak one language. What that tells me about the Holy Spirit is that it takes the path of flourishing diversity to achieve unity, not the path of assimilation.

So when I enter a church that I call my home, whose congregation is becoming increasingly sprinkled with people of color, and the inclusion of my (our) culture is an afterthought rather than a priority—an uphill battle rather than an exciting step of development, I am tired. When the leadership sees diversity training as optional or not a priority because “we’re all the same in Christ,” I am concerned because while Christ might make us pure in the eyes of God, He doesn’t make us all white. I am tired because church is all fine and well, as long as I come with my quiet, reserved, minimized face on so that no one is intimidated or uncomfortable or offended.

But sometimes, I just want to come as me--all of me.

A Dream Revived

Dream Again

Can you go back to your childhood, and dare to dream again?

When your daddy asked what you wanna be, do you remember what you said?

Did you wanna go to the moon, and live within the stars?

Did you wanna dance in front of millions, and captivate their hearts?

If you could pick anything, what would you be?

Can you find your imagination, and set the captive free?

Dare to dream--again.

Dare to leap--again.

Dare to reach--again.

Dare to be, again.

Do you recall when you were 10, and your momma lost her job.

When you found out nothing was for sure.

And sometimes good people fall.

It pulled you out of your daydream

And into reality.

That was the first time you put limits on what could be.

That day you got home late from work, and grabbed the mail on your way in.

And you found that letter from the school you applied early decision.

Your first choice & your papa's almamater--you were sure of your reply.

But when you opened up that letter, it said you were denied.

It felt like your life ended that moment.

All your plans could never be.

But don't you know there are so many paths from here to your destiny?

Remember when your boss called you into her office

And said they had to let you go.

Or when you got down on one knee

And your girlfriend told you, "no?"

Just because it doesn't go your way, doesn't mean it isn't right.

Darkness doesn't last always--and neither does the night.

People & Pain

"I'm not going to be light-skinned anymore."

Probably the last words I expected to hear walking down the halls of a middle school in rural Milton, Vermont. And yet--they managed to be some of the first yesterday morning.

In a place where the minority population equates to about 5 non-white children per grade (there's been a lot of growth over the last 8 years), the light-skinned/dark-skinned fight is not something I anticipated finding traces of. But here they are, sticky and not exactly sweet. It would be easy for me to make this about race, but that's not what's nagging at the nape of my neck today. The simple fact is: Where there are teenagers, there will be the pain of self-disdain--accompanied by obscenely unnecessary amounts of poorly-blended makeup & Axe body spray. But what bothers me today is that so many of those teenage girls & boys become 50 year old men &women who can't seem to stop apologizing for and attempting to blot out who they are. At what point do we finally realize that we don't have to atone for being human? That having flaws, feelings, & fears is not only acceptable, but a huge part of what makes our lives and experiences unique.

In today's society, it's a challenge not to buy into the popular notion that we must be the definition of "flawless." So no scars. No tears. No weakness allowed. But where does that get us?

This just in:

Failing at an endeavor does not make you a failure.

Perfection and perfectly you are not the same thing.

Emotions serve a purpose.

No one has the qualifications or authority to appraise your life besides you.

So many times in our lives we perpetuate the false truth that falling short of perfection is a reason to be coated in shame. But no matter how many times I hear it--even from my own lips, I refuse to believe it. If for no other reason than the fact that it's just not true. I mean yes, it's a conscious choice--to not agree with the affirmations. And it's one I have to make. Because coating something in shame is like coating it in silver. It draws all the attention from the item itself to its shiny coating, but stops allowing it to move forward. It freezes it in time so it can no longer grow or develop. And then it rusts.

Now I don't know about you, but I have no desire to be a rusty, underdeveloped thing people look at as a discussion piece, but remain unable to engage.

I'm a person, and as much as I come with creativity, beauty, & joy, I also come with pain.

Be Intentional

This week I celebrated my birthday--25th to be specific. So it seemed to me the perfect moment to pause.

I know it's common for people to get reflective around the beginning of a new year.

And I'm no exception. But January doesn't do much for me. For me, my "Man in the Mirror," moment always happens right around my birthday--my personal new year.

I believe there's power in that.

Like any other garden, pruning and weeding are an important part of the process, and if it's not done regularly, growth is not only minimized, but health of the overall crop is often impacted negatively.

And I think it's fair to relate a life to a garden, and not just because it involves constant attention. Like a well-planned and maintained garden, its quality is measured by multiple rubrics of value. You see, the part of a garden filled with tomatoes, corn, and zuchinni might not be as visually attractive to everyone as one filled with orchids, tulips, and lilies, but it is just as valuable (and difficult to maintain). Life needs both beauty and utility to have balanced worth. After all, what is a house on a hill if you can't throw a party in it?

If we're not constantly reassessing the things that are impacting our environments and wellbeing--including what we do and do not allow of ourselves and those we deem colleagues, then we run the risk of self-sabotaging our character via neglect. I don't claim to speak for anyone else, but I've found my most important and life-changing decisions have happened right around my "New Year." I also have yet to regret a single one of them. And I have a theory for why that is. You see, I'm a big "goal-person". Whether I achieve them or not, I'm always working towards goals based on the overall vision I have for my future. That way, when I make plans or important decisions, I have something to check them against to see if they're in my best interest for now, later, or never. But as much as I would love to be able to say that happens every time, I can't. However, as my year winds down, I re-evaluate things, which causes me to take another look at my plans, see if they're moving me towards my goals, and re-adjust accordingly.

There is a prayer in the Book of Psalms in the Bible found in the 90th Chapter where Moses is asking God to "Teach us to number our days carefully so that we may develop wisdom in our hearts." (Ps. 90:12). And I do believe a mindset like that is important, because it speaks to remaining focused on ultimate goals to keep from being lost in and bogged down by immediate ones. Not getting caught up in monotony, but remembering the greater purpose within each day's labor. Perspective does wonders for progress, and without it, it becomes easy to forget that the ultimate goal of tilling soil isn't to plant a seed of grain, or even grow a garden--but to feed a family.

Now I can't say for certain I know what the future holds, or even who I will be 10 years from now. But this I know for sure: it will be intentionally crafted with care. Life is not an accident. So while I can't control every piece of it, I refuse to let it "just happen." My journey is not one of happenstance. I was created with purpose (and so were you for that matter).

So I'd like to encourage you--be vigilant in your self-development on all fronts. Because the most fruitful (non-GMO) gardens have always had the most tending.

The Beginning

Hey there!

Hola.

Welcome.

Hi.

Okay, so truth moment? I'm a bit nervous (I'm sure you couldn't tell). Starting something new is always so exciting. Until you actually go to start it. Then it somehow morphs into that daunting, terrifying, first text that you type 12 times, then delete, before finally sending a simple, "Hey." There's so much you want to say, but nothing seems quite right. And try as you might you can't find a beginning that rises above merely adequate. That's about where I am. So now that that's out of the way, let's chat.

Full disclosure: this isn't my first blog...well, technically anyway. Back in January of 2009 a friend of mine suggested I start a tumblr. Now, this was back in the days where no one really knew what tumblr was. So, somewhat apprehensively, I did. To be honest, I don't even remember what my first url was. But by that Spring, it had been changed to what it remains today: theinnerkat--Kat's Inner Monologue. And being a tumblog rather than a dedicated word blog, it basically was just that. My blog became me, on "paper." Looking back, I'm so grateful for that blog. Not only was it an amazing outlet for me during my coming of age, but having that incredibly clear window through which to see my own transformation and development into the woman I chose to become is truly a gift. You see, journals never worked for me. I can't pinpoint exactly why, because I'm totally the kind of person who would journal. But they never stuck. Blogging though--it's like it was always there when I needed it, without requirement or expectation. And before Facebook had timelines, I would spend my internet scrolling hours catching up on my tumblr Dashboard. That's right, I read every single post by every single person I followed. Because before tumblr was only about memes, it was about community.

I say all of that to say, this isn't my first rodeo--but it is my first time riding this particular bull. With that being said, I want to set up some expectations for what this blog will be. A sort of vision statement (aka warning), if you will. So here we go. *Ahem*

• Content quality is super important to me, so you will not read about the Kardashians' latest shenanigans or Drake's latest music video. This may fall into the category of "lifestyle" blog, but not "lifestyles of the rich & famous."

• I'm a big thinker, so I can assure you there will be lots of ideology talk here. But not in a pretentious, "discuss for discussion's sake," way. More in a "this is how I feel about the way this particular situation is affecting my community at large and I need a safe soundboard to attempt to clear up my thoughts before I implode," kind of way.

• As a lifelong reader and learner, I don't always use complete sentences, but sometimes I use run-ons. I'm fully aware of my deviation from formal grammatical standards. And I'm totally okay with that. I hope you can be too.

• There will only be truth here. Prose, theory, ideology discussion, and opinions--but no fiction or falsehood. This will not be that forum.

Note to Reader (and Self): I am officially releasing myself from any further expectations in this space. While I do desire for someone to find inspiration or encouragement in the pages/posts to come, I don't need the whole world to. And I don't believe that being bound by pretense or expectations will help anyone get anything good from this experience--including myself. My hope here is that with some divine intervention, a bit of consistency, and a dash of perspective, just maybe the resulting storyboard will offer a tale worth telling. But this is not an obligation; it's a journey. One that I truly believe will be worth the ride.

Thanks for tagging along,

<3 K. Marie

How and When Lives Matter

If you have not yet come around to #blacklivesmatter on the principle that #alllivesmatter, I do not judge you or think less of you. And I certainly don’t think you’re a “bad” or “stupid” person. But, similar to those who oppose feminism out of concern for true equality, I think there’s simply a misconception (likely no fault of your own) on what this movement is truly about. Facts remain that (in general) in the United States of America (and its media) African Americans are treated radically different for a variety of “reasons.” The problem, I’d like to suggest, isn’t that justice was not brought for the deaths of the Tamir Rices & Freddie Greys. It’s that a system that claims to be colorblind is very clearly not. It’s when a young brown boy (Tamir Rice) & a young white man (Dylan Roof) have the police meet them with different responses–choosing a more strategic & gentle route with the one of the two who had already accrued a body count upon their arrival.

If the problem were the lack of justice actually obtained with our justice system, this fight would read something like #justicematters. But that fact is not the one for which resolution is currently being sought. The problem that the #blacklivesmatter movement is attempting to address is that African Americans, or “Blacks” are treated with far more hostility & less rationality than “Whites.” The issue here is not simply the mistreatment of one group of people, but the lack of EQUAL treatment for everyone.

You see, it’s not the shooters that are the primary problem here, it’s the system that processes them and tells them that there are different standards of appropriate, wise, and safe self governance depending on the amount of melanin in your skin. The thing here, is that this is not a black vs. white issue–although many would have you believe it is. It is an established and imbalanced system vs. social equality. If this were simply a government issue, it wouldn’t be that big of an issue; the root is far more embedded and subconscious than most realize because it’s the ingrained belief and social norm that African Americans are more aggressive, less rational, more manipulative, and less contributing than other members of society BECAUSE they are African American. This more, in turn, allows society to find it acceptable that they are treated more sternly–as one would misbehaving children, than others. Unfortunately, this is the same mentality that determines a “successful & respectable” black adult to be an exception rather than the standard. Which, in celebrating the “rare occurrence” of an admirable black person, and simply reporting their failures, reaffirms this idea. When that which is considered standard for the white youth is considered impressive for the black youth, their view of themselves (along with the community’s view of them) is further shaped in the current unbalanced mold of our culture. It subconsciously justifies the different treatment. And it’s a cycle that self-propels, accommodates, and rationalizes.

The most dangerous thing I’ve found this far is, however, that I haven’t a single realistic clue on how to stop it.

-Selah-

“It’s not my thing.”

I know a lot of people who say politics isn’t their thing & they don’t really like reading or learning about history.

And I could say that’s fine and well because we all have our interests–but it’s not. I don’t like math, but unless I want to trust all the handling of all my finances to someone who “likes” math, I’m darn sure going to learn how to count. Not because I think numbers are cool, but because my livelihood and prosperity depend on it. It’s simple wisdom.

I truly believe that as a millennial adult you cannot hold someone else responsible for the problems caused by your willful ignorance.

So Dear America, please stop choosing to avoid World History. Because, like arithmetic, if we ignore the precepts found therein, we’re doomed to be duped by someone who paid attention.

With Much Love & Respect,

K. Marie

This is Where I Am

I could say it’s been an emotional day, but in all honesty, as an American Human it’s been a long year. I feel like at least a decade’s worth of heavy heart has taken its toll in 2015. To be frank, I haven’t lived a day of my adult life outside the shadow of domestic or international terrorism.

You see, terrorism doesn’t begin or end with an event causing mass casualties. Terrorism has a purpose. And, not to be insensitive, but a freak accident can cause tragedy. Terrorism is the strategic annihilation of hope in place of blindly disheartened fear. Terrorism isn’t a car blowing up on the side of a road. Terrorism is a man driving into the middle of a crowded street in order to publicly blow up his car near others for the purpose of inciting widespread fear of an unpredictable predator.

The thing that makes terrorism, terrorism isn’t that a bad thing happens–bad things happen every day. It’s when bad things are made to happen in order to stop or hinder people from living a full life either by destroying their physical ability to do so or instilling enough fear or hatred to prohibit them from attempting to gain it themselves.

Living in a state of terror is reflected by a lack of trust that governing bodies, law enforcement, community, or other authorities are able or willing to protect you or your best interests from a known and active threat.

Please be sure, I am deeply grieving for France, Beirut, Kenya, Baghdad, and many others that have suffered mass attacks over the last weeks. But the issue here isn’t that terrorism is a new global problem. The American issue here is that we focus on global pain while ignoring the domestic, internal terrorism that is flooding our borders under the guise of freedom. The fact of the matter is that every single one of our systems are broken, causing the majority of Americans to live in systematically oppressed states of terror all over the nation.

Our political machine. Our education institution. Our economic process. Our healthcare programs. Our justice system.

Each broken in a way that pierces a hole in the lungs of hope for millions of Americans each day. Leaving them deflated with little to no hope in themselves or for their future. Causing them to face a reality that says, “You’ll never be anything other than what we make you, have anything we don’t give you, or do anything we don’t allow you to. Oh, and the rules change daily without notice.”

This isn’t fiction, it’s reality for the socially and economically disenfranchised (read non-white or female or poor) in America.

So if there’s any wonder who’s the biggest terrorist threat to America? You can be sure, it’s herself.

Every Single Day

People are dying.

In streets.

In schools.

In hospitals.

In churches.

In coffee shops.

In airplanes.

In mosques.

In government buildings.

In buses.

In department stores.

In boats.

In movie theaters.

In cars.

In homes.

Think about the last argument you had. Picture the person you disagreed with in an open casket. Now was it worth it?

Life is too short to be petty.

Life is too short for anything but forgiveness, care, & love.

When the Day Comes…

I mean, at the end of the day–for me at least, it’s the most sacred moment of my life. There is no vow I will ever make that is more important, no matter where life takes me (us).

For those that want to help celebrate, I say just have a huge cookout afterwards. But for the ceremony itself, who needs all that fanfare?

The only people I want in the room are those who are touching and agreeing for the fruitfulness of our union–the people who have been and will be continually praying for us. Let everybody come to the celebration, but keep only the covenant relationships at the consecration.

And it’s not about omitting people or slighting anyone, but about making that vow with its intended weight. Because on that day, it’s not about a promise we’re making to ourselves or our families–that’s called engagement.

In that moment, it’s about a promise we’re making to God–and those should never be taken lightly.

I, Too, Am America

In my lifetime I’ve seen planes fly into multiple major national buildings.

I’ve seen wars launched discreetly and indiscreetly.

I’ve seen communities unite like never before only to turn on themselves again with paralleled fervor.

I’ve seen schools, churches, playgrounds, & hospitals become home to gunfire.

I’ve seen riots over painful mishandlings of power and poor executions of justice.

I’ve seen churches burned to the ground.

And that’s only in my country.

I am a part of a generation who’s either grown up too quickly or not at all.

I’ve experienced felt terror at levels that are numbing and remained standing.

I’ve witnessed every odd stacked against me and found hope to hold onto.

And as a lower middle-class, multi-racial, female, millennial adult, I’d like to have it noted that I, too, am America.

Charleston, SC

I’ve been struggling all day to find any words to adequately express how I’m feeling.

Grieved doesn’t seem heavy enough, but I can’t think of a word that describes this torment my heart is enduring any better.

I am not in so much pain today because these victims were black, nor because they were Christians.

I am in mourning today because there were ten human beings whose humanity was ripped away from them at the hand of the senseless hate that was allowed to quietly take hold of a young man in a society that gave him the gift of freedom of belief without the responsibility of morality.

Because of an age that taught him to do and be what he wanted fearlessly with no concern for the consequences. Because of the generation that gave him the courage to take a stand without the requirement of socially accountable intentions.

We’ve done a flawless job of teaching the ideology of independent freedoms & self-sufficiency, but failed at teaching to love one another in unity. A soul so passionately consumed with hate is already dead. There are ten souls today I grieve for, because my Savior taught me that all lives do matter–regardless of my judgement of their worthiness.

We’re in this together, and the cycle of hate-inspired hate must end today.

What’s Really Lacking?

There’s this idea in modern-day “black” churches that what’s killing ministries is “familiarity” of leaders with those they are leading.

Another idea?

What’s killing modern-day “black” churches is the ideology of “elitism” that breeds the thought that they should not be “casual” with those they are leading combined with the “unmasking” of a true self when “familiarity,” occurs.

Who you are at church should be no different than who you are at home. That is, if your church is a true community of believers gathering for the encouragement of one another in following the will of God.

No, every single person cannot handle the responsibility of knowing your weaknesses or private business. Nor can every person know every detail of your personality & who you are. But that’s not just because of your anointing. It’s because you’re a real person dealing with real people & that doesn’t change simply because you put on a collar. There are just more people knocking at your door then there were before.

BUT, if you are who you promote yourself to be then there should be no “shell-shock” or “kickback” when they get to know “the real you.” When in ministry, getting to know you at a personal level should delve deeper into the knowledge of the same person, not reveal an entirely different identity.

What’s destroying our “black” churches is the same thing that’s destroying our “black” families & communities.

A lack of knowledge & a wealth of pride. A lack of understanding & a wealth of judgement. A lack of honesty & a wealth of costumes. A lack of faith & a wealth of jadedness. A lack of work ethic & a wealth of excuses. A lack of love & a wealth of lust.

If we would simply take the time to stop excluding ourselves from the rest of the “church,” recognizing that “the world rejecting us” is not the same thing as not putting forth the effort to obtain the tools necessary for success, we would be much better off as a people.

If we loved one another & worked together more than we sought out someone to blame for our “times of affliction,” & mistakes, we could grow into this thing commonly referred to by others as an actual community.

If we only took the time to practice what HE preached, we could become a true “we,” in which the ever dominating “them,” is welcomed & transformed into an “us.”

Don’t we all want to live in a place where people are patient & kind to one another? Not overtaken by envy, voices always boasting, out of pride. Where the majority of people aren’t selfish & constantly angry to the point of ruining the integrity & relationships of others?

Wouldn’t we all prefer a place where our mistakes aren’t held against us all the time, & people are happy when you tell (and prefer to tell you) the truth, even if it’s hard to hear? An environment where people protect each other, trust each other, & get through things together?

Now of course none of this is easy to achieve, but it is actually quite simple.

You see, faith, hope, & love prevail. But the greatest of these, is love.

Let’s have more love y’all.

Drained v. Destiny

What is it you do, that even on your most exhausting days leaves you energized & full of life & joy? That even during its worst seasons still has you making the same choice to come back each day?

A musician I know said to me tonight that when they get done playing gigs, they’re exhausted. And yet, they’re the CEO of a company & can work on that into the wee hours of the morning with not much more than a little dissatisfaction.

The book of Matthew tells us that where your treasure lies, so does your heart. And Proverbs & Luke tell us that all that we are & do flows straight out of our heart. So I think it would be reasonable to conclude that our “treasure” or “place of passion” is what I’d like to call our sweet spot. The one place we not only can do more than makes sense, but WANT to. I believe that when we’re operating in an anointed place of destiny, the more we pour out, the more we’re filled. Because our gifts make room for us & our talents (peep that wordplay) are multiplied the more we use them.

What I DON’T believe is that a place or assignment which only drains you & doesn’t refill you, is a place you’re meant to stay forever.

While in Egypt, the Hebrews learned so much. Although so greatly oppressed, they learned community, they learned resilience, they learned patience, they learned how to trust & rely on their God. They learned the power of their spirit & the strength of their faith. And something I think so many people miss--they learned how to build in such a way that centuries later their work still stands before all men to see. The reason that I can say for sure that, although difficult and unfair, it was truly their destiny to be there while they were, is because the more they were afflicted, they more they increased. Although weary, there was a grace upon them that allowed them to endure & remain standing when every one of them should have faltered as their spirits were broken.

But none of that happened.

I’d like to suppose that there are some of us out here who are living in our skill set rather than walking in our destiny. We’re getting distracted by the places that we’re comfortable, getting exhausted in the places we know we do things well simply because they’re second nature.

You see, manly assignments leave us drained & empty.

But destiny leaves us full & ready to come back for more.

Dear You..

Dear Lover of God & Adopted Sibling of Christ,

The heavens are waiting with anticipation for you to step into your position within the family & take back, with authority, everything that you have allowed the enemy to remove from your grasp. They are standing by at the ready, prepared to fight or celebrate on your behalf.

Dear Believer and Follower of the True & Living God,

Hell is watching to see whether you will employ angels, bind up demons, & tear down strong holds. They are hoping that you will remain dormant so that they can continue to run amuck in your cities, communities, and families.

Dear Child & Servant of the Great I AM,

Earth is spectating your life to see whether or not the gospel of God you proclaim is truly as powerful as you say. They are sitting forward in their chairs with interest as you demonstrate to them just what your “God” can and will do for, with, in, and through you.

Dear Disciple of Yeshua,

All of Creation is considering what you do. They yield, understanding that they can only respond to you–that their every move is determined and/or predicated by yours. They silently pause with baited breath, knowing there is nothing to discuss until after you act.

Dear Brothers and Sisters, Comrades and Co-laborers, Family and Friends, by all means, let’s give them something to talk about!

Organizations Over People?

When did we start to choose entities over individuals?

And why does that remain to be okay?

Our lives should have Christ at the center, then family & intimate relationships, THEN all other institutions created for the purpose of coming together for a common goal?

When did serving our churches become of greater priority than serving our families?

There is a very distinct difference between placing God before all else & placing “church” above all other things.

There is an order that we must begin to restore to our communities or else the foundation of our society will remain shaky. Our relationship with God allows us to build families & relationships with one another. And our churches are built upon those relationships.

Now I’m not saying that we should stop going to church in order to have “family day” every week at Chuck-E-Cheese. But what I am saying is that the needs of individuals who are closest to us should surpass the wants of our church institutions. In fact, the desires & actions of our churches should be rooted & determined -by- the needs of our relationships, just as our relationships are rooted & determined by our relationship with God.

I mean honestly, how will people you love feel if you continually choose church (not God, but church itself), over them? And, of course, that’s the same way God feels when we choose people over Him. Everything suffers if we neglect the building of one level & simply move on to the next. Think Jenga–but with your life.

Our churches reflect our relationships, which reflect our relationship with God–because they are built upon one another. Is it any wonder that in a time of such separation & deviation from intimate relationships with God that we have so many broken homes, resulting in so many ineffective churches?

If we refuse to make our family & core relationships our number 2 priority after God himself, then our churches will never be strong enough to successfully replenish, restore, rebuild, & refresh our communities–or our world.

The Most Beautiful Dream

I was in the sanctuary of my church & it was totally packed. There were ppl there from every phase of my life–college, high school, various jobs I had worked, as well as those type of ppl for other members of the church & random strangers I’d never met.

Anyway, we were having service & for some reason the deacon & I were in the back kitchen area. There was a partially eaten pizza there. When he came back I told him to handle it, since we didn’t want it just sitting out & we typically didn’t keep food out in the open upstairs as there’s no eating in the sanctuary.

So I walk out into the sanctuary, leaving him behind me, and when he comes out, he goes to the pulpit with the half-full pizza box & begins to offer it to anyone who wants some. When I start to look at him crazy like, “what are you doing?!?” he gets frazzled & the pizza falls out of the box, onto the pulpit carpet.

Then my Pastor gets up & begins to publicly rebuke him.

And he turns on me. He says that I told him to do it. When I refute that & say that I didn’t it begins to come out that there are other things that he has blames me for–that he acted under my instruction, which I never gave. Then another church member chimes in from leadership & it turns into a big public argument.

Then all of a sudden ppl in the congregation, the guests in particular, begin to fret–several start crying & a couple get upset & explain why. Because they came to the House of God for Jesus, someone they were so excited to meet because of everything they’d heard about him, but this turned them all the way off. They were crying because they were so disappointed that Christ couldn’t be found here either because they had been searching for so long. They were in a distraught frenzy.

Then I stood up & addressed them. I turned to them & said that us being a Christian didn’t mean that we don’t fight…that we don’t have arguments & get upset with one another. But it means that when we get here, upset & angry, at the point of division, we can get together & kneel at the altar, taking it to Christ, the one who heals all wounds & hearts. The one whose love can make it right. The one who can bring reconciliation to the hardest of hearts. We can go down together to get rid of every weight & burden & come up unified as one again.

When I neared the end of what I was saying, the whole atmosphere began to change. The weeping turned to smiles & everyone in the room turned, with overwhelming joy, to worship! All confusion was gone & a bright light shone through the room as more & more ppl stood to worship, at the same time, on one accord. Everyone was going to the altar together with honest hearts, believing that if they all went to the altar together, they could all find what they were looking for. And as I turned to join them, the room didn’t break out in shouting or even in crying & singing that I recall. It was an inaudible sound that can only be identified as heavenly. It was a sound that overwhelmed my heart & enabled me to feel beauty all around me as people began to give themselves to Christ, on their own, without the leading of a pastor or minister–but of their own private, intimate conversations with the overwhelming presence of God that had arrived.

It was incredible. By far the best dream I’ve ever had in my life. One I don’t doubt I’ll never forget.

Just last night, I dreamed of Kingdom.

Darkness or Night

God is in the day as much as He is in the night. Yet He is light, but allows the devil to be the prince of darkness.

What does that tell us about Him?

That even in the places where it appears satan has all power, God is still in control.

He allows darkness to come, but He still remains Sovereign over the Universe.

See, in the darkest of night, it only takes a single lamp to light up a room. But during the day, it requires a great deal of work to create darkness.

Create–because you will not “find” it anywhere.

Though, at midnight, you can stumble upon the moon reflected in a lake & see brightness, at noon, even the darkest caves must be closed off and traveled through to find true darkness.

Look at what we learn about the wonderful greatness of God just by looking at the human body.

When it’s dark, your eyes yearn for light–that’s why they’re so sensitive to the tiniest shimmer. But when it’s light, have you ever found yourself naturally seeking out a shadow?

The same is true of the human spirit. It yearns for light! But just as harsh as it is to turn the lights up to bright after a long movie, so does it cause a knee-jerk reaction in the spirit. It takes a moment that sometimes causes you to wish someone would just turn the lights back off. But after a bit of adjustment to the light, you realize that it no longer hurts when you try to see–and you can see much clearer.

Which brings up another interesting point.

Being in darkness discourages you from trying to see. When it’s dark, you can’t keep your eyes open for as long because it hurts after a bit. In fact, trying to read without proper light is actually harmful to your eyes’ long term health. And artificial light such as computer screens can bring about headaches and even nausea.

But sunlight, on the other hand, is a total different ballgame. Sunlight not only encourages opening your eyes, but provides the perfect light to see with & has the capability of alleviating depression and providing energy to all living (and, through science, all nonliving) things!

How could it ever be believed that light a) doesn’t cast out darkness & b) isn’t preferable to darkness?

And while it may be cooler in the dark, it’s always going to be safer in the light

Journey to Love: Then & Now

Breathing quietly as I reminisce on what once was.

Nights spent laughing and playing, watching movies on couches & beds together.

I remember the time of being carefully wooed with caring gestures, words, lyrics, sentiments and public displays of affection.

I think on the days of late night phone calls just to hear the voice on the other end of the line before going to bed.

I recall the walks all over town just to have an excuse to be in each other’s presence.

But then my heart rate increases as I am hit with the reason it all ended.

Lies, manipulation, control, & hidden motives.

Never really knew who you were….though I thought I did.

Though the product matched the picture on the menu, the description was completely falsified.

Tricked, or should I say tripped, into falling in love.

Prayed for me & I even allowed you to lay what I thought were healing hands on me…all the while not understanding how I was getting sicker.

Actually believed that God was punishing me for hurting you in some way.

All I ever wanted was the good days back, never realizing that they were only a mirage—not knowing that the snake’s venom first entered my blood stream from the IV drip you put in my arm.

Thank God for someone finally checking the fluid tap. I’d surely be dead by now otherwise.

For every Elijah who spoke your death I thank God, because as long as you lived in my life—I was dying.

I begin to relax as I come to the realization that it’s over.

In the darkest of the night, my knight arrived..

Though I barely had a pulse left when He found me, I was still alive. Barely hangin on—-but still breathing.

He lifted me in His arms, my body frail & limp—and carried me into His home.

He laid me in His bed & did not try to take advantage of me in my weakened state, but instead nursed me back to health.

He sat at my bedside telling me jokes & stories—trying to keep my mind on that which is good.

He brought me food which He made with His own hands to be sure it was pure & not tampered with.

When I was strong enough, He went for walks with me to help me build my strength up…walking close so He would be able to catch me in case my legs gave out, but letting my own muscles do as much as they could handle.

As I got stronger I began to cook for myself, making a special plate for Him—not because He asked, but because I wanted to.

My walks became runs that I could go on alone, but I’d ask Him along just because I loved His company.

I had stories of my own to tell, but I always requested to hear His jokes because, well, truth be told, laughter is the one medication that you can’t overdose on.

Though He never asked me for it or tried to take it—He had my heart. And it wasn’t just because He helped me when I was down. During the time of my recuperation we were together so much that we gained an intimate knowledge of each other. I learned the little things…the things that didn’t make it into His widely-spread reputation.

And that’s when I fell in love.

Yeah, the good guy is great, and a cool person to be friends with. But it wasn’t until I got to know Him—the real Him….on an intimate level, that I fell in love. I could lie and say I fell for Him because He rescued me from you, but that’s not even true. He was being a good Samaritan and I’m grateful for that.

But I love Him because of the way He uses His hands to help explain things when someone says they don’t understand. I love Him because of the way He presents different views on things that I never would have thought of. I love Him because of the way He just turns His head & laughs when I’m flustered. I love Him because of the way He takes a deep breath when He’s about to say something important.

I don’t love Him for what He did for me—I love Him for who He is.

And that’s the difference between now & then.

See I loved you because you made me feel special—doing so much for me, or rather, for my affection. I fell for you because your words & actions pulled me. But not for Him….for Him I jumped. No one forced it to happen. I just woke up one morning & realized I made the choice in my sleep.

So now my heart, having gone on this roller coaster ride my head just brought it through in a matter of moments is beaming a light so bright that people are telling me I’m glowing—asking for my moisturizer & skin care secrets. So I laugh & simply tell them I’m in love.

Most times they understand…nodding knowingly as they continue on their way. But other times they raise an eyebrow and say, “Wow, I wish I had a love that made me look like that…but if I looked like that, I’d probably have one!”

That’s when I look at them, smile, and say…..but you can, why don’t you let me introduce you?

Walking with Christ

I don’t have faith that the world is going to be all sunshine & roses.

I don’t believe I’m going to have everything I want.

I don’t believe I’ll always be happy.

I don’t believe I’ll ever have all the answers.

I don’t believe everyone gets a "happy ending.“

I don’t believe I’m ever going to not be faced with struggle in this life.

————–

I believe that all things come to an end, but not every well runs dry.

I believe that whatever happens is going to be for the conditioning & strengthening of my spirit.

I believe that I’ll always be able to find joy.

I believe that every struggle I’m faced with will only be temporary.

I believe that God is going to get glory from everything He allows & doesn’t allow in my life.

I have faith that God has not forgotten me & will have His will be done in my life–whatever that may be.

—————-

"I will bless Jehovah at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth.”–Psalm 34:1 (King David)

“Going a little farther, He fell with His face to the ground and prayed, ‘My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as You will.”–Matthew 26:39 (Jesus Christ)

“…..And if I perish, I perish.”–Esther 4:16 (Queen Esther)